Shelbyville, IN - It's common knowledge that Jesus Christ manifests himself by mysteriously appearing in everyday items all across America, but Richard (Dickie) Duckfeather of Shelbyville was stunned when he discovered a facial image of legendary guitar virtuoso, Duane Allman staring back at him yesterday morning after breakfast.
"I had just woke up from a little nap after eating two slices of toast and I was carrying the breakfast plate back to the kitchen sink when I first noticed Allman's face on the plate," said Duckfeather. "I yelled for my live-in girlfriend, who I call Jessica, to git her lazy ass out of bed and 'Come see this thing!' We both could clearly see Duane Allman's face on the breakfast plate! It's a miracle! No doubt about it!" said Duckfeather.
"Then all of a sudden, like magic, I heard the song 'Whippin' Post' comin' from the CD player in my livin' room. Jessica swore she hadn't turned on the CD player so it was evident that the holy ghost of Duane Allman was responsible for playin' the music! It's another miracle!" claimed Duckfeather.
"Duane Allman was a guitar god," explained Duckfeather. "He could kick Jimi Hendrix's ass any day of the week! Plus, I'm guessin' that since Allman's a god, he obviously knows that 'Whippin' Post' is my all-time favorite Allman song."
"The first time I heard that song was in August 1971 when me and some buddies was in Myrtle Beach and one of 'em had brought his stereo and set it up in the motel room. The Fillmore East album had just come out and we had the original four-channel quadraphonic stereo version and we played 'Whippin' Post' non-stop, full blast, for three solid days!' said Duckfeather.
"Good Lord, I love that song," continued Duckfeather. "Duane's awesome slide guitar and the mournful lyrics about unfaithful lovers and the constant pain of betrayal is a thing of beauty. Sadly, two months later, my personal guitar hero Duane Allman was killed in a motorcycle accident,"
Following Allman's tragic demise, Duckfeather decided to dedicate the rest of his life to the inspirational memory of his personal guitar god. For more than forty years, Duckfeather has played Allman's 'Whipping Post' song daily; named every one of his pets 'Skydog'; and re-named all of his girlfriends 'Jessica'. He's even converted his small mobile home into a Duane Allman shrine containing hundreds of pieces of seventies-era memorabilia.
After a quick tour of Duckfeather's cramped living space, we returned to his tiny kitchenette where I remarked that some people might view the Allman face on the breakfast plate and think the image more closely resembles Jesus Christ. Duckfeather disagreed, "Naw, that's highly unlikely," he said. "I knew it was Duane Allman's face the instant I seen it! Besides, my girlfriend, Jessica, also recognized Allman's face!"
That's when I noticed Duckfeather's girlfriend climbing out of a bedroom window with a trash bag full of clothing. I asked Duckfeather if he thought that was peculiar. "Nope!" he replied, "I think it's another friggin' miracle! Most Jessicas take my game console, my coffeemaker, and my jar of loose change with them when they leave me!"