An ancient family fossil is providing startling new clues that may explain why a subspecies of early homo sapiens never suffered from male pattern baldness. The fossil, known as the "Neanderthal skull" was discovered in California's Sierra Nevada Range in 1856 by my great-grandfather, Samuel Alopecia Bonner (1808-1887), a U.S. mountain man.
A Brief History of Samuel Bonner
Little Sammy Bonner was born a slave in Virginia, the son of a white man and a slave woman. At the age of 12 he was taken on horseback by his father to Clinton, Indiana where he was set free on the banks of the Wabash River. The newfound freedom provided young Bonner an opportunity to learn a trade by mining coal with a pick and a shovel sixteen hours a day, seven days a week. During the mid-1800's he was struck by wanderlust and joined an expedition to help establish trade routes through the country's rugged western mountains. During this period of his life Bonner married a slew of Indian women and lived among Crow Indian tribes for about a dozen years. Later, when California's gold rush began to wane, he hitched six of his healthiest Crow squaws to a wagon and began a trek back to Indiana. It was during his return trip to the Hoosier state that Bonner inadvertently tripped over a partially buried skull and tumbled to the ground. He survived the mishap and brought the ancient fossil back to Indiana as a souvenir. Even though the remarkable fossil has been in my family's possession for several generations, only recently have the fossil's hair-raising secrets been revealed. Now I am ready to share those secrets with you!
Secrets of the Ancient Skull
If you've ever seen an artist's rendering of Neanderthal Man or other cave dwellers, you've probably noticed that these forerunners to modern man grew an overabundance of thick, luxuriant body hair. Neanderthals are an extinct branch of human species that roamed the earth beginning 600,000 years ago, however, they vanished about 30,000 years ago. A leading scientist believes Neanderthals disappeared because of boredom. "Think about it," said Dr. Wilhelm Wiesenhimer, "these creatures spent damn near every day of their pitiful lives squatting in caves staring into the fire while combing their long hair with fish bones. Eventually the entire population of that subspecies died from sheer boredom." According to Wiesenhimer, Neanderthals grew extremely healthy hair. "To the best of my knowledge, no one has ever found a single Neanderthal hair lying on the ground," he said, "which proves that those shaggy beasts didn't shed their hair!"
Another Lucky Accident
A few weeks ago, I thought the skull fossil might make a useful bookend, so I retrieved it from my great-grandfather's trunk. I washed the relic in the kitchen sink with a common household detergent. Later that evening I noticed patches of hair growing on the palms of my hands, an unusual occurrence since I hadn't been doing anything else with my hands that particular day. I consulted with an associate, the esteemed Dr. Wiesenhimer, who postulated that compounds in the household detergent likely triggered a chemical reaction which resulted in the unexpected hair growth. His theory proved to be correct when lab tests successfully duplicated the results.
The Heartbreak of Hair Loss
Loss of hair can be a traumatic experience. It is often life-altering. While it's true that some men accept their genetic fate and embrace their baldness with pride, most men suffer irreversible, emotional difficulties when they regularly witness their hair falling out and swirling down the bathtub drain. Every year, thousands of men panic and seek expensive partial remedies like chemical treatments, hairpieces, hair plugs and transplants. But it doesn't have to be that way!
Finally! A Cure for Baldness!
Until now, no baldness cure has ever been invented! The world's financial experts have long agreed that an actual baldness cure would produce vast profits, given that 7 out of 10 men suffer from male pattern baldness and 3 out of 10 women experience giant clumps of hair falling off their heads. But now, thanks to my stumbling great-grandfather and my own bumbling boredom, the world finally has a cure for baldness!
It's Time To Act!
A few of you who are reading this will instantly recognize a unique opportunity to experience riches beyond your wildest dreams! Initial investments are currently being accepted for a limited time only from individuals who possess the wisdom to understand the risks associated with speculative investments but are nonetheless motivated by a burning desire to see a significant impact on their personal net worth. If that describes you, then it's imperative that you contact me immediately to discuss the amount of your investment in this emerging trillion dollar market. Do not delay. Time is of the essence!
P.S. By the way, I need to hire five or six dozen lab assistants immediately so If anyone knows where I can get a really good deal on lab space, please let me know.
Posted: Friday, April 1, 2011
Article comment by:
Dee, I will be expecting to see you at many future City Council meetings with your hands out seeking tax abatements. Here's a thought: move your hair growth business in with the referee business going in out at Intelliplex and you can make a big dent in the disturbing problem of Indiana high school referees with receding hairlines.
By the way, the photo of the Neanderthal at left looks like Neil Young. Oh, and it also looks like about half of the people I see in Wal-Mart these days.