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January 23, 2019

Just The Facts, Ma'am
Dum de dum dum... Dum de-dum dummm...

NARRATOR: The story you are about to read is true, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Well, that's not entirely true... the story has been changed a little bit. And the facts? Yeah... the facts have been changed too.

Dum de dum dum...

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: Did you want to see me chief?

CHIEF: Yeah. A woman phoned. Said her mouse is missing.


CHIEF: Yeah. Her mouse is missing.

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: I don't know anything about a missing mouse. I didn't take her mouse. I don't have her mouse.

CHIEF: Whoa! Whoa! Calm down sergeant. I'm not accusing you of stealing her mouse.


CHIEF: Don't be so paranoid.


CHIEF: After all, I probably have enough paranoia for both of us. I simply want you to go talk to the woman about her missing mouse then file a report.

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: I'll get right on it chief. By the way, here's my time card, do you know when I'll be able to pick up my paycheck?

CHIEF: Gee, I dunno... I just got back from Florida this morning. I'll try to work on payroll after lunch. I need to have it completed by the end of the day.

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: Why's that chief?

CHIEF: Because I'm leaving early tomorrow morning for Florida.

Dumm de dum dum!

3:28 p.m. - Pearson Place, Shelbyville, Indiana.

(Sergeant Joe Frydaddy knocks on an apartment door)

"Knock Knock Knock"

(A woman opens the door)

WOMAN: Who are you?

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: I'm Detective Sergeant Joe Frydaddy. I carry a badge. It's not easy being a man with a badge. When you carry a badge people stop calling you by your real name. They call you cop, copper, pig, bacon, or fuzz. They call you Po-po, Five-O, flatfoot, or Johnny Law. They call you Dick Tracy, Sherlock, Smokey, or Barney. Or gumshoe. Or doughnut. Or zebra. They call you every damn name under the sun but they never call you by your real name.

WOMAN: That's awful.

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: (Shrugs) Yeah... well, it could be worse. Besides there are SOME advantages to carrying a badge.

WOMAN: Really? Like what?

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: I never have to pay a cover charge when I go to strip joints.

WOMAN: What's your name again?

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: Frydaddy. Detective Sergeant Joe Frydaddy.

WOMAN: How 'bout I call you Dick?

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: That's not my real name ma'am.

WOMAN: So did you find my mouse, Dick?

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: No ma'am. I'm here today to get information about your missing mouse because the chief wants me to file a report. I file a report on everything I do. I file a report when there's evidence. I file a report when there's not evidence. I file a report on my hunches. I file a report when I'm right. I file a report when I'm wrong. I file a report when I'm guessing. I file a report when I'm just making up shit. Then I file a report on all the reports I've filed. I file a lot of reports.

WOMAN: Do you file those reports on your laptop?

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: Yes ma'am, it eliminates paperwork.

WOMAN: Are you on Facebook, Dick?


WOMAN: Do you have lots of Facebook friends, Dick?

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: Yes ma'am. But most of them are perps, pimps, ex-cons, pill-heads, addicts, burglars, gypsies, thieves, bums, winos, liars, cheats, con men, gang members, plus a few drunken prostitutes.

WOMAN: Hmm... you should send me a friend request.

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: Yes ma'am. But first I need to get some information about your missing mouse so I can file my report. Tell me what happened. Just the facts ma'am.

WOMAN: Well, I've been feeling yucky. I must've picked up a flu bug or something because I've had an upset stomach, body aches, fever, runny nose, nasal mucus, headaches, heartburn, diarrhea, and I've been coughing up thick, yellow phlegm...

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: On second thought ma'am, maybe I don't need ALL the facts after all...

WOMAN: I phoned my doctor's office and scheduled a 10 o'clock appointment. I left for my appointment yesterday at around 9:45 a.m. and I know Choo-Choo was in his cage when I left.

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: Choo-Choo, ma'am?

WOMAN: Choo-Choo. That's my mouse's name. Anyway, I know Choo-Choo was in his cage when I left because I forgot to feed him breakfast and he was upset about that.

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: How do you know Choo-Choo was upset, ma'am?

WOMAN: I could tell by his tone of voice.

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: Choo-Choo is a TALKING mouse, ma'am?

WOMAN: Yes, he's a talker. And a THINKER too! Anyways, after my doctor's appointment I went to White Castle for lunch then ran some errands and when I returned home around 4 p.m. my apartment door was unlocked and Choo-Choo was missing! The lid on Choo-Choo's cage had been moved to the side and a picture, a flower and two other stunning decorative items had been knocked off the top of the cage.

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: Can you provide me with a description of Choo-Choo, ma'am?

WOMAN: He has white fur and little red eyeballs and he's about this long (the woman holds up her hands to show the approximate size).

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: How big would you say that is, ma'am?

WOMAN: I dunno... Four? Five? Maybe six inches? What do YOU think?

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: That looks more like twelve inches to me ma'am.

WOMAN: Oh no, twelve inches would be the size of a RAT! Choo-Choo's a MOUSE so I'd say he's probably four to six inches long.

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: Finally ma'am, I need to determine the market value of your mouse.

WOMAN: Choo-Choo's invaluable! He's priceless!

SGT. JOE FRYDADDY: I'm sure he is ma'am, especially if he can actually talk. However, I need a dollar estimate. It's for my report. How much did you pay for Choo-Choo?

WOMAN: Oh... probably about six bucks.

Dum de dum dum!

Reader Comments

Posted: Monday, February 14, 2011
Article comment by: News flash on Choo-Choo

This news flash won't be in our local newspaper for a week (since it is a publication that takes the word "news" out of the word "newspaper"), but Dee Bonner's website is always first with the most.

An anonymouse source reports that Choo-Choo is throwing his tiny hat into the ring. He is running for mayor of Shelbyville.

He left his home to prepare for the race ahead: including stocking up on hot dogs, chips and soda to continue those classy "circle feeds" sponsored by the current mayor.

Choo-Choo for mayor!

Posted: Friday, February 11, 2011
Article comment by: So who is running for mayor?

So who IS running for mayor? I keep hearing things that make me think half of the town is running. Maybe even Choo-Choo the locomotive mouse. The only one I've seen in the paper as filing is Asher. Why haven't others filed too if there are going to be so many candidates for major.

Posted: Friday, February 11, 2011
Article comment by: WTF

Elliott is running for Mayor? Really? What? Why? This has to be a joke…… a bad one at that! No one on the department likes him, he is a horrible administrator and he spends most of his time in Florida where his wife lives.

What in the world is going on in Shelbyville? Now since Fergie set the bar so low it appears anybody in town thinks they have a chance………. Hopefully someone qualified will step up to run for mayor of Shelbyville. Right now I can’t stomach any of the candidates running.

Posted: Thursday, February 10, 2011
Article comment by: For B. Fife

Mr. "Fife,"

You would not be the first young professional who gave up on Shelbyville because of what you said about the difficulty of fighting ignorance. In recent years, the level of intelligence in our community leadership has been terribly lacking. This is much of the reason that when I talk to people in Central Indiana and I tell them I am from Shelbyville - they laugh and wonder why anyone with a brain would want to live here. Sad, but true. I hope you stay, but can't blame you for wanting to move on.

Posted: Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Article comment by: B. Fife

Great stuff Dee. Hopefully a new mayor can appoint and hold accountable a police chief with some work ethic and care. Our cops are unfriendly and have awful attitudes. I'm a young professional and though I strive to try and make Shelbyville a better place, I have almost resigned to the thought of giving up qnd getting out. It's hard to change ignorant.

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