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January 23, 2019

Time To Abolish Paid Actors?
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He is a very interesting man.

Chances are, you've seen him on TV.

His charm is so contagious... vaccines have been created for it.

He is the only man to ever ace a Rorschach Test.

Every time he goes for a swim... dolphins appear.

His legend precedes him the way lightning precedes thunder.

They say he can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

They say his blood smells like cologne.

People hang on his every word... even the prepositions.

He can speak French... in Russian.

He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.

He is...

"The Most Interesting Man In The World!"

I'm pretty sure you know who I'm talking about.

That's right! It's that bearded guy in the Dos Equis Beer commercials. You know who I mean, the mysterious man with no name who gives advice on a wide variety of topics. Helpful advice like, 'Fellows, leave the tight pants to the ladies.' Or, 'It's never too early to start beefing up your obituary.' And, advice on the two-party system, like, 'The after-party, is the one you want to attend.'

Good advice? Of course it is.

However, I have recently discovered that the American people have been deceived by the voiceover in this particular series of TV commercials! It turns out that the mysterious gentleman is, in fact, an impostor! That's right, he is a total phony. To make matters worse... the man is a PAID ACTOR!

A quick internet search confirmed my suspicion. "The Most Interesting Man In The World" is in truth, a paid actor. HIs name is Jonathan Goldsmith. He was born September 26, 1938 in New York City (his birth name was Jonathan Goldsmith Lippe). Goldsmith has earned income playing minor roles in dozens of popular TV shows ever since the late 1970's. For instance, he has appeared in "Hawaii Five-O", "Magnum, P.I." and "The Rockford Files". He also played 'Bruce Harvey' in a few episodes of "Dallas". It's important to note that Goldsmith used different names when he appeared in each of these shows, therefore a clear pattern of deliberate deception has been established.

I don't appreciate being a deceived by actors, especially PAID actors. Neither does Luke Messer. That's why I heartily support Luke's recent lobbying initiative to rid the airwaves of actors in TV commercials. 'Solidarity Luke! I'm with you 100 percent, Sparky! It's time to stop paying money to actors for appearances in TV ads and start replacing those paid actors with free grassroots folks and other mythical creatures!'

If you agree with Luke and me, then I strongly encourage you to support our socialist crusade to end the capitalistic practice of paying actors to perform in commercials.

Help us "Replace Actors With... Family And Republican Truth Squads" (RAW FARTS).

All we ask of you is a simple note of encouragement.

With your help, we can rip paid actors from TV commercials and blast them into the ionosphere. Your note of encouragement will inflate us with the confidence necessary to continue this exhausting campaign to crush the hopes and dreams of struggling performance artists all across America.

Please get behind RAW FARTS!

Thank you.

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