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home : news & opinion : news & opinion
June 20, 2018

4/1/2010
City & County Working Together!

Mystery Journalist


SHELBYVILLE, IN (April 1, 2010) - Shelbyville Mayor Scott Furgeson and Shelby County Commissioner Tony Newton announced today that they have reached an agreement on the best way to invest the millions of dollars in racino revenue that each local government receives from Indiana Live! Casino.

The new joint agreement will allow the city and county to pool their racino proceeds in order to buy Hoosier Lottery tickets.

"Gee whiz! Those state officials at the Hoosier Lottery headquarters are tough negotiators," said Furgeson, "but they eventually came around to our way of thinking!"

The 25-year deal will allow the city and county to combine up to $8 million dollars every year to buy lottery jackpot tickets. "It's a great deal! Every time we pick a winning number, the city and county will split the jackpot!" Furgeson explained.

Exact details of how winning jackpots would be split were not immediately available. "I plan to write a proposal on how to split our winnings," said Newton.

"Hey! If Tony wants to show me a proposal, I'll look at it," said Furgeson.

Several New Joint Projects Planned

Furgeson and Newton claim area residents will see some big changes as soon as the racino revenues are parlayed into winning jackpots. "We have lots of really big surprises in the works!" said Furgeson.

According to the mayor, the city and county will begin joint construction of a new expressway. The proposed road will link Indiana Live! Casino, Downtown Shelbyville and the Wal-Mart Supercenter. Initial plans call for a series of heavy use, back-up loops and round-a-bouts to help relieve peak hour traffic congestion in the city's downtown business district.

"I can't reveal specific details right now," said Furgeson, "but the plan will cost at least $850 million initially and will include 343 miles of concrete expressway."

"And it will totally obliterate the town of Fairland!" interjected Newton. "But that's not entirely a bad thing because Fairland-area residents will no longer need to wrestle with sewage disposal decisions." he explained.

"I'm not supposed to talk about this," said Furgeson, "but additional plans for the project may also include elevated high-speed rail to Naples, Florida and a subway system all the way to the Texas-Mexican border."

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs

According to Furgeson and Newton, the joint project is all about jobs. Even though contractors have not been selected, a spokesperson from a local material supplier said that if his firm is awarded the concrete contract, he would need to hire a minimum of 4,000 workers. In addition, the plan is expected to create 50,000 new jobs before its projected completion date in 2050.

"I shouldn't say anything more about the plan, but TWO other jobs will be created." said Furgeson. "First, we're going to eliminate all three county commissioner positions and replace them with a single county executive, probably Chris King. Then Chris will install Tony as the County Road Czar, which is ANOTHER brand new position. Voila! We just created TWO NEW HIGH-PAYING JOBS!"

"But that's all I can say right now," continued Furgeson, "except that if you asked me today, I would probably say that I won't run for another term as mayor. And if you asked me 'Why not?', I'd probably say it's because very influential individuals are encouraging me to oppose Jean Leising for her State Senate seat in 2012. And that would be a pretty cool gig since it's part-time, which would allow me to devote more time to the restaurant. Plus, I could continue to be involved in politics, which everyone knows, I enjoy immensely.

"However, that's all I can say today," added Furgeson.

"Thank the good Lord Almighty!", said Newton.

DISCLAIMER: It would be advisable for readers to express doubts concerning the veracity of certain elements contained in this report. Also, keep in mind it was published on April Fool's Day.



Reader Comments

Posted: Monday, April 5, 2010
Article comment by: News Flash

Notice to local politicians: Hold off on setting up those taxpayer-paid vacation trips to Japan for "economic development."

I just read on the Indy Star website that a credit rating service is warning that Indiana Live could go bankrupt. The article said that the casino lost $50 million in 2009.

Will the local politicians have to pay for their own vacations in years to come?


Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010
Article comment by: Tom Joad

Dee Bonner is a voice crying out in the wilderness in Shelbyville/county. He doesn't wear a camel hair outfit, but he's a John the Baptist in khakis.

Quoting a phrase from a Neil Young song: Long may you run, Dee Bonner. Long may you run.

Dee Bonner - live long and prosper!


Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010
Article comment by: Patty Cake

Shopping trip to Walmart: $80

Playing slot machine at Casino: $200

Reading dee bonner.COM: PRICELESS!




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