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January 23, 2019

8/30/2009
A Guy Walks Into A Newspaper Office
A guy walks into a newspaper office and is startled to see several chimpanzees sitting at desks in the newsroom banging their tiny fists on computer keyboards. The guy goes to the editor's office and asks, "Why are those chimps in your newsroom?" The editor replies, "We've replaced all of our reporters with chimpanzees." The guy asks, "Why did you do that? Is it because chimps are better typists than journalism graduates?" The editor replies, "No, it's because the paper is owned by a rinky-dink, tight-fisted, out-of-state newspaper chain."

A guy walks into a newspaper office, but there isn't a single soul in sight. "Where is everybody?" yells the guy. "Hello? Yoo-Hoo! Is anybody here? Hey! Anybody home?"

A guy walks into a newspaper office and asks to speak to the editor. "I'm sorry," replies the publisher, "our corporate policy doesn't allow anyone to speak to the editor while he's chained to his desk."

A guy pushes a wheelbarrow loaded with a giant pumpkin into a newspaper office. "Do you want to take a picture of the world's largest pumpkin?" asks the guy. "I'd like to, but I can't" said the editor, "because a bunch of corporate officials flew in yesterday on their private jet, confiscated our only camera and pawned it for cash."

A little old lady hobbles into a newspaper office to meet the new editor. "Where are you from?" asks the little old lady. The newspaper editor says, "I'm from a place where people don't end their sentences with prepositions." The old lady replies, "Well, in that case, where are you from, douchebag?"

A kangaroo hops into a newspaper office and asks to buy a copy of the latest daily edition. The receptionist position has been eliminated due to the most recent corporate cutback so the newspaper editor is tending the cash register and he says to the kangaroo, "That'll be seventy-five cents... you know, we don't get very many talking kangaroos in here." The kangaroo stuffs the newspaper into her pouch and replies, "No wonder! Seventy-five cents is a helluva lot of money for this crappy little piece of paper!"

A horse trots into a newspaper office. The editor greets the horse and says, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "Because your trivial little rag is a sad excuse for a newspaper."

A woman glances at a newspaper vending box and sees a headline that reads "6,999 citizens victims of scam!" The woman drops three quarters into the coin slot and pulls a newspaper out of the box. But after reading the paper the woman can't find any story about citizens being scammed. She storms into the newspaper office waving the newspaper and confronts the editor. "There's nothing in here about 6,999 people being scammed!" shouts the woman. The editor grabs the newspaper and races to the pressroom yelling, "Stop the presses! Seven thousand citizens victims of a scam!"

A publisher returns from lunch and walks into her newspaper building. The building is totally empty and eerily quiet. The publisher whips out her cell phone and calls 9-1-1. She shouts to the emergency operator, "I THINK MY NEWSPAPER IS DEAD!" The operator's calm voice replies, "Please, ma'm, just relax. First, we need to make certain it's actually dead." The publisher says "Don't hang up! I'll be right back!" There's a brief silence followed by a deafening explosion. A few minutes later the publisher returns to the phone and says, "Okay, what next!"

A newspaper publisher and his caddy are on a golf course. A funeral procession approaches. When the hearse passes the publisher, he stops in mid-swing, closes his eyes and immediately kneels in prayer. The caddy says, "Wow! That is one of the most moving tributes I've ever witnessed. You are truly a compassionate human being!" The publisher replies, "Not really, that was my newspaper."



Reader Comments

Posted: Thursday, September 17, 2009
Article comment by: Stoner

A guy walks into a newspaper office and asks, "Do you have any pot?"



Posted: Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Article comment by: Redux 2

"so I'm thinking about dropping my subscription."
----------
My Lord, Paul M.! If you do this, you will miss the front-page articles about "elegant" houses in town and detailed in-depth reports about all of the menu items at the casino.

You will also miss hundreds of words spelled incorrectly, run-on sentences, typos, awkward phrases, high school-level writing.

You need to rethink this, Paul M.!


Posted: Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Article comment by: Paul M.

Old Joe It's sad but true. You called it exactly right. The problem is that I don't care much for 3 day old coffee so I'm thinking about dropping my subscription. It won't be long before all the writers on staff will be reporting from Michigan where 85% of all the other job functions are being performated. Local paper my foot! Those days are gone forever.

Here's a thought I wonder - If the paper closes its doors where will Furgy get his cheesey round mug published? Sometimes I think that's the only reason he ran for mayor, you know so he could be "famous" and immortalized forever.

Here's another thought. If the paper is going to close it's doors do you think that Furgy's rich relative will buy it so furgy will have something to do while the rich relative runs to town? Just wondering.


Posted: Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Article comment by: Old Joe

I like getting the paper early in the morning because I like drinking coffee when I read the paper. Heres what I do. I make several pots of coffee all week long so I always have lots of 3 day old coffee in the house at all times. That way the coffee matches all of the news stories in the paper.

Posted: Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Article comment by: Francis Robinson

A guy walked into a newspaper with a typed response to a letter to the editor he took exception to. Instead of printing it immediately the editor left it laying for about ten days until the issue was dead in the water and then printed it leaving the public with the impression that the writer had just written it after the subject was too old to be of interest.
No wait... That isn't a joke. that is what happened to me several times with the Shelbyville News (aka Pablum Press) a few years ago shortly before I quit submitting letters at all...



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