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May 17, 2021

4/1/2009 12:36:00 AM
Screaming Beets
Will they keep me awake at night?
Will they keep me awake at night?

Dee Bonner
The April Fool

The Great MidAmerican Seed Company in Fargo, ND recently announced the successful completion of two-year's worth of experimental trials designed to genetically modify a popular American garden vegetable. Company scientists are hopeful that their research findings may have practical applications for both home gardeners and commercial growers.

Researchers at the company have discovered that it is possible and economically feasible to engineer most varieties of garden beets so that they will grow with tiny, tapered air holes in their flesh.

Once the vegetables enter the normal growth cycle, air is forced through the small holes causing the veggies to emit continuous, high-decibel whistling noises. The resultant screeching may prove effective in protecting the beets from common pests.

Company officials aren't concerned about what effects the genetic tampering may have on the texture or flavor of the beets. "We realize that most people have a natural aversion to beets anyway," said Olaf Gulbransenfunkwhistle, the firm's marketing director. "Beets are clearly an acquired taste and they generally only appeal to people who appreciate the taste of dirt."

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