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May 18, 2021

10/14/2008 10:06:00 PM
My Exclusive Interview With Senator John Sidney McCain III

Dee Bonner

Democratic Presidential Candidate, Senator Barack Obama, has visited Indiana 46 times during 2008. His Republican opponent, Senator John McCain, has visited only twice, on February 22 and July 1.

If comedian (and philosopher) Woody Allen was correct when he said, "80 percent of success is showing up", then Senator McCain may have a mere one in five chance of winning Indiana in November. To improve those odds, I thought a face-to-face interview with McCain would be a helpful way for voters to get to know the man better.

Of course, a face-to-face interview has been difficult to achieve since the candidate has only been in the state twice in the past nine months. Undaunted, I proceeded without him and recently completed a one-on-one imaginary interview with the Republican presidential nominee.

The candidate facilitated the process by responding to my mock interview questions with actual answers that he had previously given at the Belmont University Presidential Town Hall Debate in Nashville, Tennessee on October 7, 2008.

During Senator McCain's imaginary Shelbyville visit, he was a guest at the private residence of a high-profile, local Republican. Since it's difficult for me to be in the same proximity as that particular individual, I was unable to conduct the interview on his property. Fortunately, McCain's Indiana Campaign co-chair is a Shelbyville resident and graciously arranged for the interview to take place at Shelbyville's Porter Center, known by some in the community as "the bathhouse".

A lot of interesting information was revealed during our mock exchange. Key parts of my exclusive fake interview with McCain are transcribed below.

Bonner: It is a privilege to be here today with Senator John Sidney McCain III, Republican Candidate for President of the United States of America. Good afternoon, Senator McCain, it is a pleasure to finally be able to schedule this interview.

McCain: Thank you very much.

Bonner: Hey! May I call you "J. Sid"?

McCain: It'd be fine with me. It'd be fine with me.

Bonner: Great. I think that name will really resonate with younger voters.

McCain: Maybe.

Bonner: Senator McCain, let's begin with a healthy dose of your fabled straight talk. Who do you honestly think should be the next President of the United States?

McCain: You know, that's a tough question and there's lots of qualified Americans. But I think the first criteria, Tom, would have to be somebody who immediately Americans identify with, immediately say. We can trust that individual.

Bonner: Ummm... excuse me Senator, my name's not Tom, it's Dee. Call me Dee. And your answer made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I don't think you even listened to the question.

McCain: Well, Teresa, thank you. And I can see why you feel that cynicism and mistrust, because the system is broken.

Bonner: Dee. Call me Dee.

McCain: Sure.

Bonner: Last year, a bill reached the Senate floor that would have designated a hoosier delicacy, the breaded pork tenderloin, as the nation's official sandwich. In addition, the bill would have given every American household a barrel of pork tenderloins, a barrel of deep fat, and another barrel with enough fixins' to prepare dozens of tasty sandwiches. You voted against that bill, Senator McCain.

McCain: You know who voted for it? THAT one. (McCain points to an Obama campaign button that is pinned to my lapel) You know who voted against it? Me. I have fought time after time against these pork barrel-- these bills that come to the floor and they have all kinds of goodies and all kinds of things in them. I vote against them, my friends. I vote against them.

Bonner: And yet, you supported a similar bill that would have given every American a bushel of Georgia peaches?

McCain: We've got to show support for Georgia.

Bonner: Senator, let's talk about cultural issues. Recent polls suggest that many Americans are dissatisfied with the new Fall TV shows and Americans are overwhelmingly disappointed with television programming in general. Your thoughts?

McCain: Well, Allen, thank you for your question. You go to the heart of America's worries tonight. Americans are angry, they're upset, and they're a little fearful. It's our job to fix the problem.

Bonner: Can you be more specific Senator? And may I remind you again, my name is not Allen, It's Dee. Call me Dee.

McCain: Well, Fiorra, I'm going to ask the American people to understand that there are some programs that we may have to eliminate.

Bonner: Senator, I'm going to ask a personal, yet humanizing question. I realize this may be tough to answer, but which is it? Boxers or briefs? Or do you flip-flop between them depending on the day of the week? What's your choice? I'll bet you're a tightie-whitey kind of guy aren't you?

McCain: I've been in them all my life. And I may have to make those tough decisions. But I won't take them lightly. But we had also better be darn sure we don't leave without them and make the situation worse, thereby exacerbating our reputation.

At this point, the interview was suddenly interrupted when McCain became distracted by a sexy Indiana Live! Casino Angel who danced into the room wearing a skimpy, backless, black dress. The Angel tickled the Senator's balding pate as she handed him a double scotch on the rocks, then tilted her head, winked, fluttered a goodbye wave, and skipped out the door.

McCain: Tom, wave like that and I'll look at you.

Bonner: No thank you, Senator, and my name's not Tom. Let's continue. There's a lot of blame to go around concerning the country's financial mess and the world's energy crisis. If we had to single out those responsible for the problems, isn't it actually the fault of the Fanny May Candy Company for raising the price of their chocolates? And aren't volatile energy prices the fault of Fred MacMurray for absentmindedly inventing that bouncy stuff called Flubber?

McCain: Well, thank you Oliver, and that's an excellent question-- because of the greed and excess, Main Street was paying a very heavy price and we know that. But Fannie and Freddie were the catalysts, they were the match that started this forest fire.

Bonner: Senator, I'm curious. What are your thoughts about bees?

McCain: They're the most innovative. They're the best-- they're most-- have best-- the best exporters-- the best importers. They're most effective. They are the best workers in the world.

Bonner: Wow! Sounds like you are a big fan of bees! You may not know this, Senator, but I illustrated a children's book titled "A Bee On Your Face". I have a limited number of the books available for sale at the incredibly low price of only $9.95 each. The regular price is $16.95 so you save over 40 percent with this special internet offer. If anyone wants to purchase an autographed copy, send an e-mail to By my calculations, if I sell 70 billion copies of the book, I would generate nearly $700 billion in revenue. How's that for an economic development plan, Senator?

McCain: My friends, some of that $700 billion ends up in the hands of terrorist organizations.

Bonner: Now, now, let's not get McNasty! May we return to the book discussion for a moment? I realize your children have outgrown picture books, but I was wondering... how would you like to buy a copy of the children's book for Sarah? I'll bet she would really like the colorful illustrations. What do you say? How about a big, bright picture book for Sarah? It's only $9.95 and it will keep her busy for hours.

McCain: That's fundamental economics and we've got to do it now, and we can do it.

Bonner: Super! Hey, speaking of families, you are married to a rich, hot, former cheerleader, elitist, beer baroness. It's been reported that one time she teased you about your bald spot and you publicly called her a "clown-faced trollop". Do you stand by that statement?

McCain: If I say yes, then that means that we're reigniting the old cold war.

Bonner: Our next President will inherit serious problems when he moves into the White House. Economic recession, financial meltdown, crumbling infrastructure, soaring healthcare costs, an energy crisis, global warming, terrorism, wars. Senator McCain, what will be your first priority as President?

McCain: I have a plan to fix these problems, my friends. I know how to do that. I know how to get America working again, restore our economy and a number of other measures.

Bonner: Like what Senator?

McCain: You know, like hair transplants.

Bonner: Ooops! We've run out of time! Thank you Senator McCain.

McCain: Well, Katie, thank you.

Reader Comments

Posted: Thursday, October 16, 2008
Article comment by: S. Pike

Mr. Bonner, "May I call you J Sid?", too funny!!! More interviews! More interviews! I laughed so hard I yellowed my briefs! Can I print copies and pass them around? S. Pike

Posted: Thursday, October 16, 2008
Article comment by: Naptown Jay Brown

Hey Uncle Dee, I've been crunching some numbers since last night and now that I've burnt up two calculators and broke my abacus, it has become very clear what will happen in 20 days. Selling 70 Billion copies of "A BEE ON YOUR FACE" for $700 Billion would be taxed "Under the McCain plan" as a capital gain, which would equal roughly $315 billion. This is after you have already lost $490 billion discounting "YOUR ON A FACE BEE" from $16.95 to $9.95. Good thing you would also now be considered a "Large Corporation" Don't they get $400 billion in tax breaks? That's an $85 billion swing in your favor. Your making me want to be a "Large Corporation" I wonder how many tree's that would BEE. Hey I have a great idea, I'll share if we split it 50/50/26 (Sh*t)calculator's broke - anyway back to the idea, instead of discounting the "FACE YOUR BEE ON A" book, raise the price to $29.85. Everybody will want one then 'cause no one but us ELITE can afford the "BEE FACE A know" The middle class can't read anyway, (I Hope there are pictures, cause I'm thinkin' bout givin' up reading. Now you will make the same amount of money selling 24 billion copies. Now your saving the PLANT = 46 billion tree's. BOOONUUUSSSSSSSS! If we built houses in them (TREE HOUSES) and say, sell them for $25.00 - no discounting !!! that is $1,150,000,000,000.00 to go right back into the housing market. (Cause there's a lot of folk gonna be needin' a house) another BOOONNUUUUUSSSSS! This "BIG BUSINESS" is easy! Maybe we could buy an election or something good with the profits, not profits, I mean reinvestment. Now we just need a name for our new tree house city/nation. IGPNSIWTTYL. (I don't text much, does that look right) I was trying to say: I Got to PEE now so I will talk to you later. NTJB

Posted: Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Article comment by: A Local Cave Dweller

Dean, A great column! Are you the same Dean who ran for mayor of Shelbyville? Here's my brief interview with McCain channeling the Chris Farley interviews on Saturday Night Live: Chris: "Senator McCain....ah, I can call you senator can't I?" McCain: "Sure, Alphonzo." Chris: "Well, Sidney. Do you 'member when you put your arm around George Bush and made him your all-time bestest buddy?" McCain: "Well, John, the president and I do share many of the same political philosophies." Chris: "D'ya know they took that and put it on Obama commercials to show how much you guys have in common?" McCain: "Sure...I've read that, Butch." Chris: "Wow, wasn't that cool!?" McCain: "Not in my view, Buskirk." Chris: "Ah geez, I'm an idiot!!" (interviewer pounds his fist into his knee in frustration). McCain: "No, Ralphie, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. It's just that you don't understand that the American people need firm leadership and a new president who has hugged the old one quite firmly." Chris: "Oh, okay, I get it. Thank you Senator McCain." McCain: "Thank you, Sidney."

Posted: Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Article comment by: Naptown Jay Brown

Best work yet Barry, Althought one fact may be a little hazy. I thought it was Glade "Knew Scents" By AIRWICKS that started the Economic Wall a crumblin'. (Damn did I just say crumblin'?) Anyway, I believe J. Sid voted for that Glade AIRWICKS "New Scents" didn't he? Maybe we can ask Sarah at her concert this week at the new Verizon Wireless Music Center in UPPER Shelbyville IN. Now keep in mind when you ask her questions, you need to take the verb and any adjectives out of the sentence. It's probably best if you just yell out the person and topic to be discussed. (Example: J. Sid AIRWICKS ___(noun)___. I'm looking forward to this interview Chow for now. NTJB

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