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July 31, 2021

Stir Trick - Episode 7: "Crazy Mission From God"
Captain J.T. Kirk
Captain J.T. Kirk
Captain Kirk's Log - Stardate 200910.06-12:

'Incredibly, almost eight months have passed since I was pelted with puffy stones by an angry mob of citizens with short-term memory. During that time, I have emerged from a mysterious, hazy fog; resumed command of my starship; and re-grown my balls. The experience has made me stronger, and hopefully, wiser.'

(Captain Kirk and Lt. Commander Spock are on the main bridge of the USS Enterprise-Shelbyville. We join them in mid-conversation)

KIRK: Really?? I DID that!? What ELSE did I do!??

SPOCK: Well, Captain, three months ago, you told the ship's council to make a decision on the latest Newtonian jail lease proposal because you were tired of talking about it! Remember?

KIRK: Ha-Ha! Ha-Ha! NO! I DON'T remember! Ha-Ha! Did I REALLY say that!?? Ha-Ha-Ha! That's hilarious! Ha-Ha-Ha!

SPOCK: Yes, Captain. Furthermore, you said you would accept the council's decision.

KIRK: Ho-Ho-Ho! NOW you're trying to PUNK me! Ha-Ha! I would NEVER accept the council's decision on ANYTHING! Ha-Ha-Ha!

SPOCK: No joke, Captain! It's all true!

KIRK: Ho-Ho-Ho! Priceless! I must've been out of my freaking mind! Ha-Ha-Ha!

SPOCK: (mumbling) There's been some speculation.

KIRK: What's that, Spock?? What did you say??? Speak up, man!

SPOCK: Ummm... I said, 'I've seen no indication...'

KIRK: Ohh... good! What happened next?

SPOCK: Well, as you know, I want to buy a church and spend millions of taxpayer dollars to remodel it during an extended period of economic uncertainty while many of our citizens are suffering, out-of-work, struggling to make ends meet and...

KIRK: Whoa! Whoa! Stop, Mister Spock! That doesn't sound very LOGICAL!

SPOCK: This is not an issue that's defined by logic, Captain. We are simply following the will of the Lord.

KIRK: What are you saying, Mister Spock!? Are you suggesting that we are on a MISSION from GOD!??

SPOCK: Precisely, Captain! That's why I proposed accepting the Newtonian proposal to remain at the jail on a "short-term basis" while we continue to seek additional ways to bamboozle the public into believing there are valid reasons to buy a church! I'm pretty sure it's what Jesus would do.

KIRK: Brilliant thinking, Mister Spock!

SPOCK: Thank you, Captain. More importantly, after a healthy discussion, the council voted 6-1 in favor of doing something but nobody is certain exactly what we are supposed to be doing. We think we decided to stay at the jail, therefore, it's up to YOU to work out the details with the Newtonians.

KIRK: WHAT!?? Wait a minute!! Let me get this straight. You voted to STAY at the jail!??

SPOCK: Yes, Captain. We believe that's the case.

KIRK: But I DON'T WANT to stay at the jail! I have no intention of staying at the jail. Even when I said I intended to stay at the jail, I didn't mean it!

SPOCK: I thought you asked the COUNCIL to decide!

KIRK: I DID! But I assumed they would decide to VACATE the jail and buy a CHURCH!

McCOY: Dammit, Jim!

KIRK: McCOY?? Why are YOU here!?? This is a private conversation between me and Spock! Get the hell out of here!

McCOY: Aye! Aye! Captain.

SPOCK: This is extremely difficult for me to say, Captain... but... I... I... I'm...

KIRK: What is it Spock?

SPOCK: I'm... I'm... I'm...

KIRK: What!? You're WHAT!??

SPOCK: I'm... I'm... s... s-sorry.

KIRK: You're SORRY!?? Did you say you are sorry!??

SPOCK: Yes, Captain. I'm s-s-sorry.

KIRK: Thank you, Mister Spock! I always appreciate admissions of fault, because it's very important for me to have someone to blame.

SPOCK: Yes, I'm well aware of that Captain.

KIRK: Fortunately, I have recently re-grown my balls, and even though they are way too small to clang when I walk, they are still large enough to bolster my self-confidence!

SPOCK: It sounds as if the Captain has a PLAN!!

KIRK: Yes, Mister Spock, I have a plan! A CRAZY plan!

SPOCK: Count me in, Captain! And tell me more!

KIRK: Okay, here's the deal... I'll pretend to be crazy, see!?? I'll pretend to negotiate the jail proposal with the Newtonians. First, I'll tell them that I want to stay at the jail. Then I'll tell them that I want to leave. Then I'll say I don't want to leave! Then I'll say I don't want to stay! Then I'll say I've already left. Then I'll say I'm still there! Then I'll say I plan to stay forever, then I'll say I'm leaving in an hour...

SPOCK: Begging your pardon, Captain, but isn't that the very SAME PLAN you've been using for the past two years??

KIRK: Yeah, I suppose it is. Crazy, huh!?? Now, go fetch my little Napoleon costume from the wardrobe closet!

SPOCK: Your Napoleon costume? Are you attending a Halloween party?

KIRK: No, Mister Spock! I'm going to a meeting with the Newtonians!

Will Captain Kirk's crazy plan be a success?

Are Kirk and Spock REALLY on a mission from God?

Perhaps we'll learn the answers to these and other questions in a future episode of STIR TRICK - THE SEARCH for a CHURCH

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