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July 31, 2021

2/22/2009 10:56:00 PM
Stir Trick - EPISODE 6 - "Welcome to La-La Land"

Dee Bonner

Captain's Log: Stardate 200902.21-28. I don't know where I am. My most recent memory is sharing a special holiday herbal remedy with Jay-El, then falling asleep in sick bay aboard the USS Enterprise-Shelbyville. But according to my chronometer, that was two months ago! Where am I? And what have I been doing during the past 60 days!?

(Captain Kirk is stretched out on a soft, white, fluffy firmament writing notes in his Captain's Log. A mob of citizens wades through a knee-deep mist of cotton candy-like substance. The mob approaches Kirk.)

KIRK: Wh-Who are you? Where am I?

CITIZEN: Look, fellow citizens! It's Captain Kirk!!

KIRK: Wh-Who are YOU!?


KIRK: Whoa! Stop! You can't do that! I'm Captain Kirk, Commander of the USS Enterprise-Shelbyville!

CITIZEN: We know who you are, Captain.

MOB: (in unison) STONE HIM! STONE HIM!

(Members of the citizen mob begin bending over to search the ground for small projectiles.)

KIRK: Who ARE you people!!??

CITIZEN: We are citizens, Captain. We are the forgotten citizens of the USS Enterprise-Shelbyville. We own the ship. We are the citizens who appointed you as commander.

KIRK: But... But... Where am I??

CITIZEN: You are on Cloud Cuckoo Land, Captain. Sometimes referred to as La-La Land.

KIRK: Cloud Cuckoo Land? La-La Land?

CITIZEN: Yes. Cloud Cuckoo Land. It exists in the ether of the Enterprise.

KIRK: We're on a CLOUD that exists within the ether of the Enterprise!??

CITIZEN: Yes, Captain. You banished us to this forlorn place so we couldn't interfere with the way you run our ship.

KIRK: I... I... I don't remember...


(The angry mob begins vigorously pelting Captain Kirk with small, stone-shaped missiles)

KIRK: Hey! Stop! Make them STOP!!

CITIZEN: Don't worry, Captain. They won't hurt you, those are marshmallows. Pretty soon, the citizens will forget why they're throwing things and move on to some other mindless activity.

KIRK: This is CRAZY! None of this makes any sense! I don't understand why I'm here!!

CITIZEN: Maybe I can explain.

KIRK: (chewing marshmallows) Yeth, pleath do! (munch-munch).

CITIZEN: Captain, you are suffering from a severe case of false amnesia caused by a compulsive conviction to a shared madness.

KIRK: Huh?

CITIZEN: Shared madness is a syndrome that results when assorted individuals with similar interests or goals share thoughts and ideas in near proximity to one another but become socially isolated from regular people.

KIRK: Huh?

CITIZEN: It's a state of mind characterized by egomania and outlandish expectations. In short, you're out of touch with reality.

KIRK: What!!?

CITIZEN: Uh-huh! Cloud Cuckoo Land signifies a realm created by ego-amnesiacs to separate the gods from humankind. That allows you godlike creatures to banish regular citizens to this land while YOU chase your fanciful dreams without feeling beholden to us peons.

KIRK: Hmmm... so this is all in my MIND?

CITIZEN: Well, yeah! It's a BRAIN phenomenon. Y'see, actual facts are stored in your brain but your brain doesn't just gather and store information as a computer hard drive does. Instead, a human brain stores facts first in the hippocampus, a small structure in the brain about the size of a curled pinkie finger, or, in your case, the size of your wiener. Then the information is reprocessed and re-stored every time it is recalled. Eventually, facts are transferred to the cerebral cortex and the information is separated from the context in which it was originally learned.

KIRK: You're babbling!

CITIZEN: No... I'm explaining a phenomenon that leads some people to ignore the truth and to believe whatever they want to believe. For example...

KIRK: I don't want an example!!

CITIZEN: For example, let's say you become fixated with buying a church. Then you need to justify spending two million dollars to buy and refurbish that church. So your brain starts processing reasons to buy it. One of the reasons may be to move the Police Department out of the Shelby County Criminal Justice Center. But the Police Department has an "occupancy agreement" for the current space. Plus, your fellow citizens have already spent five million dollars for that space in exchange for a permanent home for the Police Department in the center. Then Shelby County says the citizens didn't really buy the space. Apparently the five million dollars was a gift. Then the county claims the occupancy agreement is a formal lease even though many citizens know that was not the original intent of the agreement. So the county re-interpreted the agreement and plans to charge the city rent because there is "no doubt" in their minds that citizens won't give a damn what they do. Then you say you're outraged, yet you won't seek arbitration. But it looks as if you really don't care because now you have another reason to buy a church so it starts to look like collusion...

KIRK: I don't know how to interpret what you're saying!

CITIZEN: All things are subject to interpretation. Nietzsche.

KIRK: Gesundheit!

CITIZEN: Nietzsche. Friedrich Nietzsche. He said "All things are subject to interpretation, whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of POWER and not the TRUTH!"

KIRK: So...?

CITIZEN: So, it looks like Lord Newton has more power than you.

KIRK: How do I get off of this stupid cloud?

CITIZEN: Most people snap out of the fog with a quick wave of the hand, or, sometimes, a slap across the face. But I think you're gonna require a kick in the balls.

KIRK: Not an option.

CITIZEN: Ooo! That's right, I forgot! You have no balls.

This ends the Sixth Episode of STIR TRICK - THE SEARCH for a CHURCH

Will Captain Kirk accept the misinterpretation of the Occupancy Lease Agreement and meekly walk away from the five million dollars already invested in the Police Department? And then will he spend an additional two million dollars or more on a refurbished church for the Police Department?

Or, will he locate his balls in time to man up and represent the citizens of Shelbyville?

And if Kirk won't do it, who will?

Maybe you'll learn the answers to these and other questions in a future episode of STIR TRICK - THE SEARCH for a CHURCH!

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