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July 31, 2021

12/22/2008 2:57:00 PM
Stir Trick - EPISODE 5 - The Christmas Episode
Direct Orders

Dee Bonner

Captain's Log: Stardate 200812.21-25. It's Christmastime aboard the USS Enterprise-Shelbyville. Normally, the holiday season between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day is a joyous time for the crew. Normally, the officers look forward to the six-week period of rest and relaxation, especially when the ship is placed on Holiday Autopilot. Unfortunately, this year, we have not experienced a "normal" holiday season.

(Captain Kirk is wrapping Christmas gifts in his private quarters. He is alone. There is a knock at the door.)


KIRK: Yes? Who is it? Who is gaily knocking at my private door? Is that you, Uhura?

SULU: It's Lieutenant Sulu, Captain.

KIRK: Ohhh...(obviously disappointed) Come in, Sulu.

SULU: The door won't open, Captain.

KIRK: Why not?

SULU: It appears to be stuck, sir.

KIRK: Hmmm...Let me help (click!) NOW try it, Mister Sulu.

(Sulu enters Kirk's private quarters)

SULU: Captain, have you ever considered that a LOCKED door is antithetical to your highly touted and widely proclaimed "Open Door Policy"?

KIRK: I am a busy man, Mister Sulu! I have dozens of Christmas gifts to wrap. Therefore, I am not amused by your smarty mouth. So, state your business, then get the hell outta here!

SULU: Forgive me, Captain. I meant no disrespect. I came to report that we cannot find Spock.

KIRK: You can't find Spock? What do you mean, "You can't find Spock"!?

SULU: He's nowhere to be found, Captain.

KIRK: Relax, Mister Sulu (Heh-heh!). I have sent Spock on a suicide mission to Noiram Quadrant. I gave him a DIRECT ORDER to perform a mind-meld on my nemesis, Niawd Drial. Remember?

SULU: Yes sir, I remember. But...But...He's not there, sir.

KIRK: Not THERE, you say!?

SULU: No sir. Spock has DISAPPEARED!

KIRK: (mumbling) Spock! What a chickensnit!

SULU: Excuse me, sir?

KIRK: Uuhhh...Nothing, Sulu. Incidentally, where is Uhura?

SULU: At the mall, Captain.

KIRK: At the MALL? But...I gave her a DIRECT ORDER to help me wrap Christmas gifts! Why is she at the mall!??

SULU: Most likely, she's doing her Christmas shopping, Captain.

KIRK: Yes...Yes, of course! She's probably buying me a Christmas gift, wouldn't you imagine, Mister Sulu?

SULU: No doubt, Captain. But can we please stay focused on the matter at hand, sir?

KIRK: The matter at hand? Do you mean the Spock disappearance?

SULU: Precisely, sir.

KIRK: Hmmm...I see.

SULU: Captain? May I recommend that you summon Chief Chekov? He is trained in police procedure. And, after all, he IS your number one law enforcement officer.

KIRK: One-Oh-One.

SULU: Sir???

KIRK: Chief Chekov is my number one-oh-one law enforcement officer.

SULU: I stand corrected, Captain.

KIRK: Anyway...I have an idea! I'd like for you to summon Chief Chekov and have him report to my quarters immediately, Mister Sulu. That is a DIRECT ORDER!

SULU: Consider it done, Captain. But before I go, could you spare one of those breadsticks? I haven't had lunch and my stomach is rumbling. Probably due to the sweet, buttery, garlicky scent emanating from those fresh, warm, golden breadsticks.

KIRK: Sorry. No can do, Mister Sulu. These are Christmas gifts! But if you're good, maybe you'll get one later.

(The following day, Captain Kirk is alone in his private quarters. He is still wrapping breadsticks. The door is open. Chief Chekov enters)

CHEKOV: Kepiten? May I haf a moment?

KIRK: Chekov! Where have you been!?? You were supposed to report to me YESTERDAY!!

CHEKOV: Vat!??

KIRK: I gave Sulu a DIRECT ORDER yesterday to have you report to me IMMEDIATELY!!

CHEKOV: I played euchre with Mister Sulu all day yesterday, Kepiten. He said nuttink about reportink to you!

KIRK: Then why are you HERE!??

CHEKOV: I vanted to show you zees AVARDS! Lookie! See? Ve haf got an avard for beink good traffic policemans! Und here's un avard for watching anudder police department arrest a bad guy! See? Ve are doink our yobs really vell! Right!??

KIRK: Yes! Yes! Good yob! Uuhhh...I mean job. Good JOB, Chief! But we have far more important matters! Apparently, Mister Spock has gone missing. I want you to find him and return him to me! That's an order!

CHEKOV: Aye! Aye! Kepiten!

KIRK: Do you understand?

CHEKOV: Aye! Aye! Kepiten!


CHEKOV: Vat do you mean?

KIRK: I have issued a DIRECT ORDER! I want you to find Spock and bring him to me. Do you understand?

CHEKOV: Yes, Kepiten...Mostly.

KIRK: MOSTLY!?? What...What DON'T you understand!??

CHEKOV: Vat iss dis DIVECT ORDER ting you are talkink about??


CHEKOV: Aye! Kepiten! Und ven I find him, vill you giff me un AVARD!??

(Another day passes. Captain Kirk is still in his private quarters. Sheets of wrapping paper cover the desk and floor. Scraps of paper and colorful Christmas bows are stuck all over Kirk's body. Uhura enters)

UHURA: Hey, Cappy! Looks like you could use a little help!

KIRK: A little help TWO DAYS AGO would have been nice! That's when I gave you a DIRECT ORDER to help me wrap these Christmas gifts!

UHURA: Uh-Huh...Well, I was busy.

KIRK: Busy? Doin' what?

UHURA: It's Christmastime, Cappy. You shouldn't be askin' questions at Christmastime.

KIRK: Whatever! Anyway, I'm glad you're here because we have a PROBLEM!

UHURA: That's OBVIOUS! You should know better than to wrap gifts with DUCT TAPE, Captain! It sticks to EVERYTHING and you wind up with crap all over your body!

KIRK: No, it's more serious than that, Uhura.

UHURA: Hmmm...I see. Let me guess. It's taken you so long to wrap those breadsticks that they've become stale...and...and...hard?

KIRK: No! Here's the problem! Spock has disappeared! If you'll recall, I gave him a DIRECT ORDER to perform a suicide mind-meld on my nemesis, Niawd Drial. But Spock, the chickensnit, DISOBEYED my order. Now, he's nowhere to be found!

UHURA: But Captain, Spock's truckcruiser has been parked in front of his business for the past three days. Maybe he's WORKING!

KIRK: He parks his truckcruiser in front of his business? Is it still parked there?

UHURA: Well. YEAH! It's almost always there. He parks it curbside. All day long. Right next to the two-hour parking limit sign.

KIRK: Uhura? Let me get this straight. Are you saying that Spock flagrantly violates the USS Enterprise-Shelbyville Parking Ordinance?

UHURA: Yep! Tha's what I'm sayin'!

KIRK: Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Being the Commanding Officer is STRESSFUL! Now I have a pounding headache! I'm going to the sick bay!!

UHURA: If you plan on leaving me alone with all these breadsticks, you'd better close the door on your way out!

(As Captain Kirk enters the corridor leading to the sick bay, he notices a Rastafarian exiting the cafeteria)

RASTAFARIAN: 'Ay! 'Ow it be 'angin', Mon?

KIRK: What?

RASTAFARIAN: 'It be 'angin' to de lef', Mon?


RASTAFARIAN: Yo' ting, Mon. 'Ow it be 'angin'? Me look aroun' an' me no be seein' yo' ting. Me be starin' at where yo' ting SHOULD be but me no see ANYTING, Mon.

KIRK: That is a TERRIBLE Jamaican accent!

RASTAFARIAN: Tank you, Mon, everbody, dey be sayin' dat, you know. But dat be irie, Mon, dat be cool. I jus' go wit' de flow, Mon, know wha' I be sayin'? Hey, Mon! You wan' some 'erbals fo' de tings dat be ailin' you, Mon? If no, den dat be cool, dat be no worry to me, Mon.

KIRK: Jay-El?

RASTAFARIAN: Uummm...Who? Mon?

KIRK: Jay-El? Is that YOU?

JAY-EL: Hi, Captain. How did you recognize me?

KIRK: Like I said, TERRIBLE accent!

JAY-EL: (somewhat dejected) Ohhh...

KIRK: Nice dreadlocks, though!

JAY-EL: (perking up) Thanks! It's a WIG! Do you want to BUY one? Wigs make great Christmas gifts, you know!

KIRK: You're selling WIGS??

JAY-EL: Yes, but only at Christmastime. Several years ago, I had big plans to launch a chain of retail wig shops and sell franchises. But the market collapsed and I got stuck with a warehouse full of wigs. So, every year since, I haul them out of storage and try to pick up a few extra bucks.

KIRK: You are one HELL of an ENTREPRENEUR!

JAY-EL: Thanks.

KIRK: By the way, do you have a Peddler's License?

JAY-EL: Peddler's License!?? I don't need no stinkin' Peddler's License! I am Jay-El!

KIRK: I know. I know. I was just kidding.

JAY-EL: I am Jay-El!

KIRK: I know.

JAY-EL: I am like Uri Geller!


JAY-EL: Uri Geller! The psychic dude who bends spoons with his mind! I am like him!

KIRK: You can bend spoons with your MIND!?

JAY-EL: No. I bend OTHER things.

KIRK: Like...?

JAY-EL: I bend laws.

KIRK: I know...

JAY-EL: I bend people.

KIRK: I know...

JAY-EL: You sound glum, Captain. Are you depressed? Maybe you should try my special herbal remedy.

KIRK: Naw...I don't do that anymore.

JAY-EL: C'mon! It's my holiday blend. I call it "Christmas Essence". Try it! You'll feel better, I promise!

KIRK: "Christmas Essence", you say?

JAY-EL: Um-hmm...Tastes like catnip. Give it a try! That's a DIRECT ORDER, Captain!

KIRK: A direct order?...well, in THAT case...

This ends the Fifth Episode of STIR TRICK - THE SEARCH for a CHURCH

Will Spock be censured for violating the two-hour parking limit?

Why is Captain Kirk the only crew member who follows orders?

What's the deal with those breadsticks?

And, what does ANY of this have to do with buying a CHURCH?

Maybe you'll learn the answers to these and other questions in a future episode of STIR TRICK - THE SEARCH for a CHURCH!

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