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July 31, 2021

12/14/2008 8:30:00 PM
Stir Trick - EPISODE 4
Everything Is Copacetic

Dee Bonner


Captain's Log: Stardate 200812.14-20. Spock and I successfully delivered Jay-El's letters to Chekov and the Cling-On Sheriff, thereby averting an all-out galactic war. After returning to the ship, I promised a mysterious entity that I would negotiate a new occupancy lease agreement with the Cling-Ons. Later, Uhura raised questions about Spock's loyalty. However, things have settled down considerably, the holidays are fast approaching, and the crew is looking forward to some much needed rest and relaxation.

(On the main bridge of the USS Enterprise-Shelbyville: Captain Kirk and Lieutenant Uhura have just finished decorating the ship's new Christmas tree.)

UHURA: It's lovely!

KIRK: Yes, it is!

UHURA: It has such a modern, Space Age 'look'. Frankly, I'm surprised they still manufacture aluminum Christmas trees!

KIRK: Actually, Uhura, they haven't made aluminum trees since the late 1960's. This is a genuine, classic, aluminum Christmas tree. Jay-El sold it to me. I believe it was his very own personal Christmas tree for many, many years.

UHURA: Gee...I'll bet it was EXPENSIVE!

KIRK: Price is no object, Uhura, because I bought it with casino revenue.

UHURA: This tree DOES remind me of Jay-El. Maybe because it's so...so...RETRO!

KIRK: Yes, I was initially reluctant to buy it from him, but he convinced me that it would be a sound investment.

UHURA: Well now it's ours to enjoy! I especially like how each needle is made of a mirror-like strip of aluminum that seems to capture every tiny gleam of light and reflect it back with ice-clear brilliance!

KIRK: And I like the electric spotlight with the rotating color wheel that slowly changes the sparkling color of the tree.

UHURA: I agree, but TWO spotlights would greatly enhance the spectacular effect, especially if we were to place a full-length mirror behind the tree.

KIRK: Perhaps. But where would we find a full-length mirror?

UHURA: Isn't there one mounted on the ceiling of your Captain's Quarters?

KIRK: Hmmm...I don't recall. I suppose we could take a look in there later. By the way, those ornaments are unique. Did you make them?

UHURA: Yes I did! They were easy to make. I used an 18-inch sheet of aluminum foil and loosely crumpled it into a ball! I made 24 ornaments...one for each branch! I'm a pretty darn good ball-crusher, even if I do have to say so myself!

KIRK: Yes you are! And the overall effect is stunning. Especially for such a tall tree!

UHURA: Uuuhh...Captain, the tree is FIVE-FEET tall!

KIRK: Yes, Uhura...that's what I said. It's a TALL tree!

UHURA: Well, I'm just happy we have a Christmas tree this year. I was fearful you wouldn't allow us to decorate the ship for the holidays. You know, because we're so CRAMPED FOR SPACE and all!

KIRK: I realize we're running out of space, Uhura. But as soon as I acquire that church, we'll have plenty of room for expansion.

UHURA: I'm looking forward to that, Captain. Plus, I'll feel much safer when our Starfleet Troopers are located here with us!

KIRK: That reminds me...Mister Chekov? Do you have a progress report for me?

CHEKOV: Yas, Kepiten. Ve haf launched Phase Two of zee plan.

KIRK: Results?

CHEKOV: Initial results are positive, Kepiten. Our Troopers haf reported multiple incidents of yucky, alien life forms oozing from zee walls und dripping from zee zeiling in our portion of zee facility.

KIRK: So...the plan is WORKING?

CHEKOV: Yas, Kepiten! Our Troopers haf been very conwincing! Especially ven dey pretend to be vorried about health concerns. Zis vill finally giff us a good reason to wacate zee Cling-On facility und buy your church! Eet eez foolproof!

KIRK: Excellent! Now how about you, Mister Sulu? Do you have a status report?

SULU: Yes, Captain! I've got the pedal to the metal and we are flying through the universe like a bat out of hell, sir!

KIRK: Keep it steady, Mister Sulu.

SULU: Aye aye, sir. That's what SHE said.

UHURA: Tee-hee.

KIRK: You see, Uhura? Everything is copacetic. Our mission is back on track. Our crew members have short-term memories. It's the holidays. Everyone is brimming with good cheer. What could possibly go wrong?

SPOCK: Captain! The scanner has detected an extremely large, unidentified energy mass in the Noiram Quadrant!

KIRK: What is it, Spock?

SPOCK: That's difficult to say, Captain. It's not like anything I've ever seen before.

KIRK: Interesting. Your scanner must be a really good piece of equipment if it can detect something that we never even knew existed. Say...is that a NEW scanner?

SPOCK: Yes, Captain. My department had some unspent funds remaining toward the end of our budget year so I upgraded our equipment. Everyone spends money at the end of the year. You know how it works, Captain...use it or lose it! Ha-ha!

KIRK: N-o-o-o...I didn't realize that, Mister Spock (wink-wink).

SPOCK: OH-OH! Captain, the energy mass has nearly DOUBLED in size!

KIRK: I think that's because we're headed straight for it! We appear to be on a direct collision course!

SULU: Affirmative, Captain! And it's too late for evasive action! Brace for impact in ten...nine...eight...

(WHAM!!! The ship is rocked by the force of sudden impact then slams to an immediate halt! Everyone is knocked out of their chairs. Crew members are everywhere. Some are splayed across desktops, others lay spread-eagled on the floor, a few dangle from the ceiling beam. Kirk, however, managed to roll weeble-like from his chair and land upright on his feet.)

KIRK: I need injury reports! Is anyone hurt?

(The crew slowly reassembles, muttering phrases like "No problem"..."It's just a bump!"..."Dude!"..."What the hell!"..."Dammit, Sulu!"...Meanwhile, Spock stumbles toward Captain Kirk, there's a greenish-yellow liquid trickling from Spock's left pant leg.)

KIRK: Spock! You're standing in a pool of liquid!

SPOCK: Uuuhh...it's...uuhh...it's VULCAN BLOOD, Captain.

KIRK: Report to Sick Bay, Mister Spock.

SPOCK: I'd rather not, Captain. I'll...I'll be fine. Errr...Vulcan blood congeals rather quickly. Besides, I've heard disturbing rumors that Jay-El often lurks in the Sick Bay Cafeteria waiting to snatch unsuspecting crew members in order to subject them to his dogmatic sermonizing.

KIRK: In that case, let's determine what's happening in the Noiram Quadrant.

SULU: Captain! I believe the obstruction is a roadblock erected by the Trustee of Noiram! If you'll recall, we attempted to increase Noiram's annual rate for fire protection by ten percent. However, the Noiramians objected to the rate increase!

KIRK: Yes, of course...

SULU: The Chief of our Fire Brigade sent a letter to the Trustee. As did YOU, Captain! Even Jay-El HIMSELF, in an unselfish regard for the welfare of the Noiramians, sent a letter!

KIRK: Yes, I remember...and it's MY opinion that the Trustee of Noiram is receiving advice in this matter from Niawd Drial!

SULU: Niawd Drial!!?? The former Auditor and Councilmember of Complexus!!??

KIRK: Yes, THAT Niawd Drial! As you may already know, he is my NEMESIS! I fear he is giving the Trustee bad advice because he DISLIKES me so!

SULU: That's just plain silly, Captain. Niawd Drial is a longtime, dedicated public servant and a respected citizen. Why is it always about YOU, Captain? Perhaps Niawd Drial is merely lending his expertise to the Trustee because he is a RESIDENT of the Noiram Quadrant.

KIRK: Well...there's only ONE way to find out...

SPOCK: No, Captain!

KIRK: Mister Spock...

SPOCK: Captain! NO! Please! I'm begging you...NO!

KIRK: Mister Spock, I want you to perform a MIND-MELD on Niawd Drial.

SPOCK: Jeezis H. Cripes Captain!! In the name of everything that is HOLY, please don't make me do that!!!

KIRK: I'm sorry, Spock. There is no other way. Even Jay-El himself, an acknowledged master writer of letters who voluntarily inserted himself into this dispute, has failed to produce a favorable outcome for us. Now, it is up to me. I must convince the Trustee to sign the contract. Otherwise, the Noiram Quadrant will be WITHOUT fire protection. If that occurs, then everyone will assume it's MY fault! Therefore, you must mind-meld with Niawd Drial so that I can determine my next move. Time is running out.

SPOCK: Captain, please! Have mercy! No one has ever survived a mind-meld with Niawd Drial! It's SUICIDE!

KIRK: I'm the Captain, Mister Spock. This is MY decision! Prepare to mind-meld.

This ends the Fourth Episode of STIR TRICK - THE SEARCH for a CHURCH

Will Spock survive the suicidal mind-meld with Niawd Drial?

Will residents of Noriam Quadrant lose their fire protection?

And, are there REALLY alien life forms mutating in the Criminal Justice Center?

Maybe you'll learn the answers to these and other questions in a future episode of STIR TRICK - THE SEARCH for a CHURCH!



Reader Comments

Posted: Monday, December 15, 2008
Article comment by: Bobby Helms

Dee, I have heard rumors that some of the end-of-the-year money spent by Spock has been used to purchase a special holiday ceremonial royal robe from the planet Zicam for Jay-El? I have also heard that this outfit includes red slippers identical to the pair worn by the Catholic Pope. Except, Jay-El's pink slippers are said to have no-skid soles donated by an area gambling casino for his safety. Can you comment on these rumors? Bobby



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