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July 31, 2021

12/1/2008 12:54:00 AM
Stir Trick - EPISODE 3
Serious Complications?

Dee Bonner

Captain's Log: Stardate 200811.25-30. Chief Chekov disregarded Captain's Orders by beaming himself to the planet's surface. His impetuous action has further jeopardized my secret plan to relocate our Police Security Forces in a newly acquired holy place aboard the Starship Enterprise-Shelbyville. I pursued Chekov but arrived on the planet too late to avert an escalating verbal exchange between him and the Cling-on Sheriff. A brutal, physical confrontation between the two is imminent. Reluctantly, I summoned assistance from Jay-El in hopes of ending the impending bloodbath. Jay-El has written two letters, one for each combatant. Spock and I are delivering the letters.

(In the secure incarceration area of the jail, raucous contingents of uniformed Police Officers and Sheriff Deputies have gathered on opposite sides of the hallway. The rowdy onlookers are shaking their fists and chanting fight songs. A few are making obscene hand gestures. One Deputy Sheriff has lowered the backside of his trousers and is displaying his bare buttocks. Meanwhile, jail dispatchers are frantically trying to organize a cheer block. A young, enterprising attorney wades through the rabid crowd in a shameless attempt to encourage wagering on the contest. However no one in the crowd is willing to risk a bet on the Chief. Disheartened, the skulking lawyer skitters into a dark, recessed corner where he sits on his haunches. His hooded eyelids create narrow slits through which the tiny pupils of his eyeballs rapidly shift back and forth as he sniffs, then licks, a myriad of paper cuts that cover his fingers and the hairy palms of his hands. Kirk and Spock enter the fight area.)

KIRK: It appears we're not too late, Spock, they are still involved in the preliminaries. Jeezis! Look at THAT!! I need to phone Uhura!!

SPOCK: WHAT?? What do you see, Captain!?

KIRK: Kirk to Uhura...Kirk to Uhura...Pick up Uhura!

UHURA: Hi, Kirkie-Wirkie! Whassup, baby!??

KIRK: Uhura, you are NOT going to believe this! Chekov and the Cling-on Sheriff are locked in a jail cell! The Sheriff is roaring, grunting and thumping his chest; Chekov is hissing, spitting and rubbing his belly! They are circling each other, flexing and posing like contestants in a bodybuilding contest!

UHURA: Ooohh! That sounds sexciting! Give me a play-by-play!

KIRK: I was hoping you would say that. Here's what's going on. The Sheriff has ripped off his shirt! He's stripped to the waist and he's applying flat-top wax to his chest! Now Chekov is removing HIS shirt! He's unbuttoning the he's unbuttoning the cuffs...he's taking his arms out of the sleeves...and he's carefully folding the shirt and placing it inside a protective plastic bag. Now he's turning around...(Gulp!) OMIGOSH!!!

UHURA: What!?? What IS it Captain!??

KIRK: Uhura! This is UNBELIEVABLE! You should SEE Chekov! He is without a doubt the WHITEST white man I have ever seen in my entire life! His skin is the color of MILK! Man, he is WHITE!!

UHURA: That's probably because he hardly ever leaves his office, Captain.

KIRK: Good point! I gotta go cupcake! Kirk out.

SPOCK: Observe, Captain! Chekov is signaling for a TIME-OUT!

KIRK: Is this some type of gambit, Mister Spock?

SPOCK: Perhaps, appears that Chekov has submitted a last minute petition requesting a CHANGE in the original wording of the previously agreed to fight rules. I believe Chekov wants to insert new language into the agreement that will allow him to use his shapeshifting powers during the fight!

KIRK: It's clearly an act of desperation on his part, but at least it gives us a chance to deliver Jay-El's letters!

SPOCK: (Addressing Chief Chekov and Sheriff Cling-on) Gentlemen, may I have your attention please...Jay-El has entrusted us with a holy mission to deliver these urgent missives to you. There's one for each of you, I suggest you read them immediately!

(The Cling-on Sheriff opens his letter and begins reading aloud)

CLING-ON SHERIFF: It says, "Sheriff Cling-on: I have put up with your nonsense for long enough. There is no finer person than Chief Chekov. He did not deserve to be called names by you. If you have a problem with my intervention in this matter, call me. Until then, shut up."

KIRK: Wow!

CLING-ON SHERIFF: Hold on, there's more. It says, "I would assume that you would be man enough to stop fighting and apologize to the chief and to the entire population of living organisms in the known universe for your inappropriate actions."

SPOCK: Fascinating.

CLING-ON SHERIFF: Wait, there's one more paragraph, it says, "However, if you are so obsessed that you refuse to let certain matters drop and choose to continue this confrontation, I am perfectly capable of doing so and can assure you that you will not like the result." The letter is signed, "Jay-El."

KIRK: What does YOUR letter say, Chekov?

CHEKOV: Vell Kepiten, my letter sez eggzackly zee same zing. Only it iz addrezzed to ME, not to zee Cling-on. Und, of course, MINE sez I should apologize to zee Sheriff. Edzetra, edzetra, edzetra.

KIRK; Gentlemen, I encourage each of you to heed Jay-El's sage advice. Let's put this incident behind us so we can move forward on more important issues. Agreed?

CHEKOV: Ay agree. Ay apologize to zee Sheriff und to every living organism in zee univerze.

CLING-ON SHERIFF: And I apologize to the Chief, as well as, to every living organism in the universe. Now, will everyone please get the hell out of my jail!

KIRK: Uuuhh...we're WORKING on that, Sheriff!

(Kirk and Spock converse as they walk toward the Teleportation Coordinate Position located amid some houses behind the Countycomplexus Annex parking lot)

KIRK: See those houses over there? It might make sense for somebody to purchase one or two of those houses as an investment. You know, in case the Countycomplexians ever decide to expand their parking lot.

SPOCK: That's highly unlikely, Captain. However, congratulations to you. For once again, your superb leadership and crisis management skills have defused a potentially explosive situation and saved us from what could have been a deadly outcome.

KIRK: Thank you, Mister Spock. I couldn't have done it without your assistance.

SPOCK: (Mumbling to himself) That's good to hear, because I intend to have your job one of these days.

KIRK: I'm sorry? What did you say, Mister Spock?

SPOCK: Uuhhh...nothing, Captain. I was merely clearing my throat (cough-cough).

KIRK: I'm also thankful that there were no serious injuries while we were on the planet's surface, especially since I have decided to discontinue Emergency Ambulance Service to Countycomplexus.

SPOCK: Really!?? When did you decide to do THAT!??

KIRK: Well, let's just say that I'm kicking the idea around. I thought I'd spring it on everyone at the Ambulance Board meeting. However, it's a BIG SECRET, so don't tell a soul.

SPOCK: Your confidential remarks are safe with me, Captain. For I have learned that secretiveness is the cornerstone of effective governance.

KIRK: Yes, that is true. It is also true that I tend to be much more productive in private meetings, as opposed to those infernal public meetings.

SPOCK: A tight network of family and friends is also beneficial. Is it not?

KIRK: Indeed it is, Mister Spock. Which reminds me, I'm going to Jay-El's for Thanksgiving dinner. I sure hope I don't have to sit at the children's table again this year!

(Back aboard the Enterprise-Shelbyville, Kirk is seated at his desk in Captain's Quarters where he is busily trying to match carpet samples to swatches of drapery material. Meanwhile, William Shatner is riding a motorcycle down one of the Enterprise's main passageways. A very large humanoid, named "Nofee", is stuffed uncomfortably in the attached sidecar. Both men are wearing helmets. A blue telephone rings. Nofee answers the phone then hands it to Shatner who is informed of Captain Kirk's plan to relocate the Police Department. Moments later, Shatner enters Kirk's quarters.)

SHATNER: So...I hear you are planning to move the Police Department without NEGOTIATING!

KIRK:'s no big deal.

(Shatner glances beyond Kirk's desk and nods imperceptibly. Nofee, the giant humanoid, is standing on the other side of the room. Nofee has removed a small wooden Kokeshi doll from Kirk's bookcase. He holds the doll high above his head then releases it. The little Japanese doll makes a clattering noise as it bounces several times on the floor.)

KIRK: Wh...what are you doing?

SHATNER: It's no big deal...Right? Nofee doesn't like it when people don't NEGOTIATE. It makes him...ANGRY!

(Nofee plucks a Mt. Fuji snow globe off Kirk's desk and crushes it with one hand.)

KIRK: Okay! Okay! I'm gonna NEGOTIATE!

SHATNER: Live long and prosper. (Shatner and Nofee exit Kirk's quarters).

KIRK: Uhura! I need help!

UHURA: (Crawling out from under Kirk's desk) Whassa matter, baby? Are you having difficulty selecting a carpet?

KIRK: No, Uhura. Things are getting complicated. What began as a simple plan to move the Police Department is becoming a major ordeal. I have just been threatened by a giant humanoid whose tactics make Jay-El's feeble attempts at intimidation seem downright laughable by comparison. Now, it looks like I'll be forced to negotiate with the Countycomplexians.

UHURA: But haven't you already talked to the Newtonian representative? Didn't he willingly provide you with an annual estimate of rental payments in order to facilitate your rationale for moving the Police Department?

KIRK: Yes, but apparently there are copies of a wretched lease agreement in existence that disputes the very foundation of my earlier contentions. And to make matters worse, there are still people around who know that I'm blowing smoke.

UHURA: Don't worry, Cappy. You know people around here selectively overlook, and often outright ignore, certain events that aren't favorable or useful to their own interests and purposes.

KIRK: Yes, I know, Uhura. But I've promised so many things to so many people that I'm not sure I can rely on collective amnesia to save me on THIS project. And believe me, I do not want to summon Jay-El to come and bail me out again!

UHURA: Honestly, Captain, I fail to understand how you managed to get yourself into this predicament. I mean, considering that you are usually so good at secrecy and such.

KIRK: Another good observation, Uhura. Hey! are you suggesting there may be a SPY in our midst?

UHURA:, not really. I'm just sayin' that your troubles started when people began hearing about your plan.

KIRK: Absolutely right! Someone has been leaking information. Who do you suppose it could be?

UHURA: Well, if I had to make a wild guess, I'd say Spock.

KIRK: What!? NO! Not Spock! I TRUST him!

UHURA: Excu-u-u-s-e me, Captain. That's the POINT! You trust him! You tell him everything! And on top of that, he has a PHOTOGRAPHIC memory!

KIRK: Yes-s-s-s-s, of co-u-u-u-r-s-e...

UHURA: And, according to the boys in the locker room, Spock also has a very small aperture. Which means he's probably overly ambitious. You know, because of his...uummm...shortcomings.

KIRK: Well, I'll be...

UHURA: Besides, I don't think Spock is actually a Vulcan!

KIRK: What...reasoning...leads you to THAT conclusion, Uhura?

UHURA: Because he gets way TOO EMOTIONAL. Think about it, Captain. Just recall every occasion when you have witnessed Spock become outraged and indignant? He becomes angry and red-faced at the slightest provocation. Aren't Vulcans supposed to be emotionless, logical creatures?

KIRK: You are right, Uhura! I remember several times when he attempted to organize boycotts! A Vulcan would NEVER do that!

UHURA: In addition, there's a rumor going around the ship that he secretly lusts after your job. Primarily for the money, but he's also power hungry.

KIRK: This is all beginning to make sense, Uhura. Frankly, I've wondered about Spock's allegiance for a long time. Plus, I've always thought he was spi...spi...what's the word I'm searching for?

UHURA: Do you mean he doesn't have any aromatic flavorings? Like, he has no zest? Are you saying he is...SPICELESS??

KIRK: No. No, that's not it.

UHURA: Are you saying he has a total absence of malice? That he has no spite? Do you mean he is...SPITELESS???

KIRK: Nope. That's not it either...

UHURA: Hmmm...maybe you mean he's invertebrate. That he has no spinal column. Perhaps you are trying to say he is...SPINELESS!??

KIRK: Yes! Yes! THAT'S it! I'm going to have to keep my eye on him!

This ends the Third Episode of STIR TRICK - THE SEARCH for a CHURCH

Will Spock's head explode when he learns that he is suspected of being a spy?

Will Jay-El's head explode when he learns that he is less fearsome than Nofee?

Will Shelbyville and Shelby County citizens' heads explode as their elected officials misinterpret the spirit and intent of a fairly straightforward occupancy agreement?

You may find the answers to these explosive questions in an upcoming episode of STIR TRICK - THE SEARCH for a CHURCH!

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