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July 31, 2021

Stir Trick - EPISODE 2
The Steel Cage Match

Dee Bonner

On the main bridge of the USS Enterprise-Shelbyville: Captain Kirk, Lieutenant Uhura and Lieutenant Sulu.

Captain's Log: Stardate 200811.16 or thereabouts. The USS Starship Enterprise-Shelbyville is maintaining orbit of planet Countycomplexus. McCoy, Spock, and I, have safely returned to the Enterprise following a narrow escape while on a stealth mission to the planet's surface. The mission was aborted when two high-ranking Cling-on county officials failed to show up for our secret rendezvous. The mission was placed in further jeopardy when we were discovered by the Cling-on Sheriff. Fortunately, our clever disguises prevented us from being identified. Despite the constant danger, I intend to carry out my secret plan to remove our Police Security Forces from the county jail and permanently relocate them in a holy place aboard the Enterprise. To that end, I am developing a new...secret...plan.

(The Starship Enterprise-Shelbyville is on Orbital-Autopilot. Lieutenant Sulu is relaxing. His feet are propped up on the steering console while he leisurely flips through the pages of a Victoria's Secret catalog. Kirk is in the captain's seat. Uhura is seated on Captain Kirk's lap. Uhura wets her index finger, then playfully inserts it into Kirk's ear. Kirk giggles. The bridge door slides open. Spock enters...)

SPOCK: Jeezis, not again! Uhura, why are you sitting on the Captain's lap!??

UHURA: Because the Captain issued a Lap Dance Directive.

SPOCK: Captain, I recommend that you rescind your bogus directive and issue an immediate apology to Lieutenant Uhura in order to eliminate the possibility of sexual harassment charges.

KIRK: (whispering into Uhura's ear) Hey baby, go ahead and bounce back to your workstation. I'll buzz you later when this uptight, asexual freak takes his nap.

SPOCK: Captain, you really should exercise more restraint.

KIRK: I tried handcuffs. Uhura wasn't fond of them.

SPOCK: (rolling his eyes) Captain, have you seen Chekov?

KIRK: No, not since breakfast at Grandma's Pancake House.

SPOCK: Lieutenant Sulu, where is Chekov?

SULU: He beamed himself to the planet's surface about an hour ago. Mumbled something about being treated as a third-class citizen. Said he is tired of sharing office space with the Cling-ons. He took some empty boxes. Said he's going to pack up his equipment and bring it back to the Enterprise. I thought you knew.

KIRK: Oh No! The impetuous fool! He'll jeopardize my secret plan to convert the Starship Chapel into a Police Headquarters! Spock, you must go to the planet and stop him!

SPOCK: And leave you here alone with Uhura? Nice try, Captain, but I don't think so.

KIRK: (red-faced) Why doesn't anyone on this ship follow my orders!??

UHURA: Yoo-Hoo! I do, Captain!

KIRK: Yes, I know you do, Lieutenant Uhura, and I'm deeply appreciative.

SULU: Captain, I have set the ship to Orbital-Autopilot. I request permission to beam to the planet surface. I will locate Chekov and bring him back!

KIRK: Permission denied, Sulu. I can't allow you to do that.

SULU: Why not, Captain?

KIRK: Because you're gay.

SULU: (sobbing) You are a mean, mean man, Captain Kirk! I should file sexual harassment charges against you! Hissssssss!

SPOCK: For crying out loud, Captain! Apologize to the sniveling little wuss! We've got to find Chekov!

KIRK: I'm sorry, Sulu. What I meant to say was that you are the only crew member I can trust to be left alone on the ship with Uhura.

SULU: Okay. Apology accepted Captain Meanie. (Sulu sticks out his tongue) Meanie! Meanie! Meanie!

KIRK: We've wasted too much time! Spock, beam me to Countyplexus! I must locate Chekov and bring him back to the Enterprise before he screws up my secret plan!

(Spock energizes the Transporter and beams Kirk to the planet surface. Kirk materializes on the roof of a rusty, blue, two-door, 1986 Chevy Chevette that is backing out of a space in the parking lot behind the courthouse. As the driver pauses to shift out of reverse gear, the automobile shimmies and backfires. The vibration throws Kirk off the car. He gets up and dusts himself off as the Chevette lurches out of the parking lot).

KIRK: (to himself) Dammit! You'd think Mister pointy-eared braniac could be a little bit more precise when he calculates the beaming coordinates.

(Kirk begins advancing toward the Criminal Justice Center employing a series of evasive maneuvers, such as, ducking under window ledges; rolling beneath bushes; crawling under parked automobiles; and casually strolling down the street pretending to walk a dog. Without warning, the main door of the Justice Center opens and Chekov backs out, dragging a heavy cardboard box filled with electronic surveillance equipment).

KIRK: Chekov! Halt!

CHEKOV: (freezes in place) Chit! Ay am boosted!

KIRK: Ensign Chekov, you have vacated your post without prior authorization. According to the Starfleet Code, you must attend a hearing before the Board of Public Works for possible disciplinary action.

CHEKOV: But Ay hev done nuttink wrong! Vat is de charge, Kepiten?

KIRK: The charge, Mister Chekov, is premature evacuation.

CHEKOV: Oooh... dat zounds zerious!

KIRK: It is extremely serious. But even more serious is the fact that you have endangered my nefarious, secret plan to purchase the Enterprise Prayer Chapel, remodel it, then relocate your entire Police Department from the Criminal Justice Center.

CHEKOV: Kepiten! Dat is vunderful news! Vy did you not tell me dis before!?

KIRK: Chekov, the key word is "secret". Now let's get out of here and return to the ship before we are discovered.

CHEKOV: Oh-oh! Too late, Kepiten! Do not look! The Cling-on Sheriff comes!

KIRK: The Cling-on Sheriff!? Where!?

CHEKOV: Kepiten, I said, do not look!! Vat is de matter vit you!??

CLING-ON SHERIFF: Well, looky who's here! Hello, Captain Kirk. Hello-o-o Jack Off.

CHEKOV: Chekov! My name is CHEKOV!

CLING-ON SHERIFF: Maybe that's your NAME, but you're still a jack off! Har! Har!

CHEKOV: (pretending to sniff the air) Sniff! Sniff! Kepiten? Do you smell a big stinky turd? Because I SEE a big stinky turd standing right in front of you!

CLING-ON SHERIFF: That's it Dick Tracy! I've had enough of your BS! We need to settle this once and for all!!

CHEKOV: Dat suits me, Carrottop! Vat's it goink to be? Rock, Paper, Scissors? A game of darts? You name it, ve vill DO it!



CLING-ON SHERIFF: A steel cage match! Two men enter, one man leaves! A no-holds-barred, crash and bash, fight to the finish! Last man standing wins!

CHEKOV: (sweating profusely) don't haf a steel cage!

CLING-ON SHERIFF: No problem, we'll use a JAIL CELL! Meet me inside the jail in five minutes! Be there!

(The Sheriff rips off his shirt and races toward the Justice Center bellowing like a bull moose in heat. Chekov watches until the Sheriff enters the building, then drops his head and begins pounding his temples with clenched fists).

KIRK: Better save your energy for the fight, Chekov. It's your duty to defend the honor of the Police Department! Go inside and stall him while I contact Spock.

CHEKOV: Aye! Aye! Kepiten. (Chekov limps toward the jail).

KIRK: Kirk to Enterprise! Kirk to Enterprise! Mister Spock? Pick up, Mister Spock!

SPOCK: Spock here, Captain.

KIRK: Spock, we have a SITUATION! Beam down here! FAST!

(Spock materializes beside Captain Kirk. Kirk quickly explains the events that led up to the situation).

KIRK: What's your recommendation Mister Spock? We have very little time. The mayhem could start at any minute!

SPOCK: I find this fascinating, Captain. Two of the most powerful law enforcement entities in the entire universe locked in mortal combat. Imagine. only ONE will survive...

KIRK: Spock! Answers! I need ANSWERS!

SPOCK: When two warring titans of this magnitude are joined in a battle to the death, they can only be separated by a cybernetically enhanced humanoid drone of multiple species with a hive mind.

KIRK: You mean a...a...CYBORG!!?

SPOCK: Yes, Captain. A Cyborg with the single-minded purpose to accumulate power and achieve perfection through the complete domination of other, weaker, biological specimens by controlling their thought processes via total assimilation.

KIRK: (nervously stuttering) S-Spock, y-you're...n-not...s-suggesting...

SPOCK: Yes, Captain. The SUPREME Cyborg. The juggernaut against whom all resistance is futile. He is our only option.

KIRK: (stuttering and gulping) A-Are...gulp!...y-you...gulp!...s-sure?

SPOCK: (raising his chin skyward) Yes, Captain. You must summon the Supreme Being. And frankly, I'm kind of looking forward to it! I've never met Him in person!

KIRK: Kirk to Enterprise! Kirk to Enterprise! Lieutenant Uhura, pick up! Pick up!

UHURA: Hey, Cappy! What's the haps, babycakes?

KIRK: Not now Uhura! This is an emergency! Open all Enterprise communication channels immediately. This is not a drill. I repeat. This is not a drill.

UHURA: (flipping switches like crazy) Done, Captain!

KIRK: Uhura, lift the left armrest on my Captain's chair. Inside the console you will find a small, green box. Open the box! There's a key labeled TAB "A". Insert the key into SLOT "B". This will activate automatic transmission of the universal distress signal.

UHURA: Captain...A-Are you...?

KIRK: Yes, Uhura. I am summoning JAY-EL!

(Uhura inserts the key. The command communications module begins coughing and hacking. Multi-colored lights flash on and off in erratic sequences. Video monitors begin displaying a series of crackling, wavy lines as a wisp of blue-tinted smoke arises from the keyboard. Chief Engineer Scott rushes onto the main deck and snatches Uhura's tele-communicator).

LT. COMMANDER SCOTT: Cap'n, the wee phone lines air way too tiny!! We'll ne'er be ooble ta send tha messages! Would ya like a sta'us rapor', Cap'n?

KIRK: Yes, Mr. Scott. Give me a full status report.

LT. COMMANDER SCOTT: Than'ya, Cap'n. I ha' always wanned ta gi' a full sta'us rapor', but nay one has e'er really ta'aken time an' lissened ta me.

KIRK: That's because it is extremely difficult to understand what the hell you are saying due to your thick, Scottish brogue, you dimwit!

LT. COMMANDER SCOTT: Than'ya again, Cap'n. Thair appairs ta be mooltiple knots in all of the optical fiber lines and the e-mail outbox is a wee too tiny. I'm afraid she's a-goin' ta explode, Cap'n! If tha' 'appens, it will blow us oot of arbit!

KIRK: I don't know what you are saying, Mr. Scott. Listen! Either fix the problems or get another job! Kirk out!

KIRK: (to Spock) Come along, Mr. Spock. We may as well go to the jail and watch Chekov get pounded into a bloody pulp.

(Suddenly a sonic boom rattles the area. A blinding, dime-sized pure white light appears in the sky then immediately swirls into a brilliant ten-foot diameter orb. It hovers a few feet above the ground. Then from the orb steps a creature of indescribable goodness and glory. He is here. And at the same time He is everywhere. He sees all. He knows all. He is...)

KIRK: Jay-El!!!

JAY-EL: Yeth, Captain. It is me!

KIRK: I've been trying to contact you!

JAY-EL: Yeth, I know. I know all. I see all. Remember? Here, take these. I have written two letters. You must deliver one letter to the Sheriff and one letter to Chekov if you want to stop them from killing each other. I'd do it myself, but I don't have time for such pettiness. Now, I must go.

KIRK: Thank you, your holiness. And may I say sir, you are McNificent!?

JAY-EL: Yeth, I know!

(Jay-El climbs into a large, chrome-plated, chariot-like starship. The vehicle roars away then ascends heavenward at a spectacular rate of speed).

KIRK: I apologize for not introducing you to Him, Spock. But when I am in His Presence, my entire being seems devoid of independent thought and my only desire is to bask in His Glory.

SPOCK: Fascinating...did you notice He has a slight lisp?

KIRK: No! No, that is not possible! But enough chit-chat Spock! We have lives to save! We must deliver Jay-El's letters to the Jail before it's too late!

This ends the Second Episode of STIR TRICK - THE SEARCH for a CHURCH

What do you suppose Jay-El wrote in those letters?

Will the content of the mysterious letters save Chekov's life?

But of far greater importance, will Kirk's secret plan succeed? Or, will it fail?

Perhaps answers to these and many other questions will be revealed in an upcoming episode of STIR TRICK - THE SEARCH for a CHURCH!

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