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December 2, 2021

11/10/2008 2:40:00 AM
Stir Trick - The Search for a Church
Episode 1: Kirk's Secret Rendezvous

Dee Bonner

Aboard the USS Enterprise-Shelbyville, commanded by J.T. Kirk.

On the Main Bridge: Captain Kirk (Commanding Officer); Lt. Commander Spock (Science Officer); Lt. Commander McCoy (Chief Medical Officer); Lt. Commander Scott (Chief Engineer); Lieutenant Sulu (Helm Officer); Lieutenant Uhura (Communications Officer); and Ensign Chekov (Chief of Security).

Captain's Log: Stardate 200811.07 give or take a week. The USS Starship Enterprise-Shelbyville is en route to the planet Countycomplexus, which has a reputation for being the most puzzling place in the galaxy. A secret rendezvous has been scheduled with two high-ranking Cling-on county officials to discuss plans for the redeployment of Starfleet's Federation Security Forces which are currently sharing office space with Countycomplexian Security Troopers.

KIRK: Spock, when will we achieve orbit of planet Countycomplexus?

SPOCK: According to a visual scan of the time tracking thingamabob affixed to my left wrist, I calculate orbital achievement in twelve minutes, seven point six-zero-nine-nine seconds.

UHURA: Captain! Captain!

KIRK: Yes? What is it, Lieutenant Uhura?

UHURA: I have a scanner report for the planet Countycomplexus.

KIRK: Good work, Uhura! Why don't you sit on my lap and tell me about it?

SPOCK: Uhhh... I think that would be ill-advised, Captain.

KIRK: Okay. Disregard my sexist remark and proceed with your report, Uhura.

UHURA: Sufficient oxygen exists on the planet, but our scanners have not detected any evidence of life forms on Countycomplexus.

SPOCK: Hmmm... Most puzzling!

KIRK: Mister Spock? Your recommendations?

SPOCK: Well, Captain, since you have already scheduled a private meeting with two Cling-on inhabitants of the planet, it would be logical for us to keep our appointment.

KIRK: My thoughts exactly! Mister Spock, order the highest-ranking officers to prepare for transport. That means me, you and McCoy, but not Chekov.

CHEKOV: Kepiten, you never let me go vit you ven you beam down somevere!

KIRK: Suck it up, Chekov! After all, you're going to get a brand new Security Headquarters out of this deal!

SPOCK: Captain, considering that certain inhabitants of Countycomplexus often display hostility toward us, perhaps we should disguise ourselves as County Cling-ons before we beam down to their planet.

KIRK: I was just going to say that, Mister Spock.

SPOCK: If everyone will please follow me to the wardrobe office on Level Two, we can change into our disguises.

KIRK: Not you, Chekov. You stay on the bridge!

CHEKOV: (mumble-mumble-mumble)

KIRK: What did you say, Chekov?

CHEKOV: Nothing, Kepiten.

(Kirk, Spock and McCoy proceed to the wardrobe office on Level Two where each officer requisitions a plaid flannel shirt, a pair of denim bib overalls and a green baseball cap emblazoned with a bright yellow corncob logo. The men carry the clothing into a small room across the hall and begin donning their disguises).

KIRK: Ouch! Be careful where you step, Spock! That was my foot!

McCOY: Will you move to the left, Captain? I need additional room in order to get my arm inside this shirtsleeve.

KIRK: It's so crowded in here! We have absolutely no room at all! Man! We are really squeezed for space! We need more space! Move over, McCoy!

McCOY: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a line dancer!

KIRK: See, Spock? This PROVES we need a larger Starship!

SPOCK: Or, perhaps Captain, it merely proves that it is extremely difficult for three grown men to change clothes inside a small, dark closet.

(The intercom beeps. Kirk fumbles around in the dark until he locates the audio button. He presses the button.)

CHEKOV (voice): Kepiten, ve are two minutes avay from orbit!

KIRK: Thank you, Chekov. We're on our way to the Transporter Room! Kirk out.

(Kirk, Spock and McCoy enter the Transporter Room and assume positions on the Transporter Pad.)

CHEKOV: Kepiten, there is not enough room on the Transporter Pad to beam all three of you at the same time. The Transporter Pad is vay, vay too small! Ve need more room! Ve are running out of space everyvere!

KIRK: See!? See!? I told you so! We are squeezed for space everywhere! How many times do I have to tell people that we desperately need more room!!??

CHEKOV: Hurry, Kepiten! Ve are running out of TIME, too!

KIRK: Alright, I have a plan! McCoy, stoop down on your hands and knees! Spock, climb up on McCoy's back then hoist me above your head so I can stand on your shoulders!

McCOY: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a circus performer!

KIRK: (pounding his fist on McCoy's head) We don't have enough TIME or SPACE to find another way! Just DO it, Bones!!

(McCoy, Spock and Kirk scramble atop one another just as the transporter beam descends. Seconds later, the three Starship officers materialize on the surface of planet Countycomplexus. Kirk tumbles off Spock's shoulders and rolls sideways into a statue on the courthouse lawn. Spock falls backwards and bumps his head on the statue just as McCoy somersaults forward and lands upside-down between Kirk's outstretched legs. After some embarrassed blushing and a few awkward giggles, they quickly regain their composure, brush themselves off, then trot toward the courthouse building.)

KIRK: Hey! These doors are LOCKED!

SPOCK: Of course the doors are locked, Captain. Those are the FRONT doors of the courthouse. They are almost ALWAYS locked. I suggest we enter through the rear doors.

McCOY: Hey! The rear doors are locked, too!

SPOCK: Fascinating. Let's try the annex.

KIRK: Hey! The annex doors are also LOCKED! We can't gain entrance to ANY of the county government office buildings! Do you have an explanation, Mister Spock?

SPOCK: Very peculiar, Captain. It's a weekday, yet all the doors are locked. Also it's curious that my Tri-corder readings indicate that no life forms are present inside any of the buildings.

(Kirk's cellphone begins playing Norman Greenbaum's tune "Spirit in the Sky")

KIRK: Excuse me, gentlemen, I need to take this call. Hello? Hello?

UHURA: Enterprise to Kirk. Enterprise to Kirk.

KIRK: Kirk here.

UHURA: Captain?

KIRK: Uhura?

UHURA: Captain? Can you hear me?

KIRK: Uhura? I hear you. Can you hear me?

UHURA: I hear you Captain. Do you read me?

KIRK: Yes I read you, Uhura.

UHURA: Good! I thought maybe I was out of your calling area.

KIRK: No. No, I can hear you just fine. But you need to hurry up and talk because I have a small cellphone and my battery is dying. You see, my phone is so small it won't accommodate a larger battery. I have run out of battery space! I need a bigger cellphone because I'm really squeezed for battery space!!

UHURA: Uh, okay Captain. Listen, I was getting kinda hungry and I found some leftover pizza in the fridge. I think it's your pizza, but since you're not here, would it be okay with you if I ate it?

KIRK: Affirmative Uhura. You have my permission to consume the pizza. Actually, that would temporarily alleviate some of the crowding in the fridge. Because I noticed yesterday that we are running out of refrigerator space! There's hardly any room at all in there! Those leftovers are taking up a lot of space. We're really squeezed! Kirk out.

UHURA: Wait a minute, Captain! There's one more thing. The ship's computer has detected a Starship Security Cruiser in your immediate area! Red Alert! Be careful!

KIRK: Thanks, Uhura. Kirk out.

McCOY: Captain, a Cling-on Starship Security Cruiser is approaching!

KIRK: Yes. I know.

SPOCK: Don't panic. Act natural.

McCOY: I hope these disguises work!

(The Countycomplexus Starship Cruiser idles to a stop in front of the trio. The driver's door slowly creaks open. A large, redheaded Cling-on Federation Security Officer wearing a brown uniform emerges from the vehicle. The officer tugs the wide brim of his trooper hat down until it nearly touches the tip of his nose as he begins purposefully lumbering toward Kirk, Spock and McCoy).

CLING-ON OFFICER: Well, well, well! What do we have here? Three little lost lambs? Why are you sniffing around the Countycomplexus courthouse? Hummm...???

Come now, speak to me!

KIRK (sotto voce): Psst! McCoy! Think of something to tell him! Quick!

McCOY (sotto voce): Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a playwright!

KIRK (sotto voce): Well, just say something! Anything! Fast!

McCOY (sotto voce): Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a Wal-Mart greeter!

SPOCK: (clearing his throat, then lowering his voice to a deep bass) Uhh... Hullo, Sheriff! How y'all doin'? We is just three local Countycomplexians on our way back from a big ol' monster truck bash and thought we'd stop by the courthouse to make sure all the doors are locked up nice and tight before we go home and drink ourselves into a stupor.

KIRK: Yes! Yes! That's right Sheriff! We come in peace. We mean you no harm.

SPOCK (sotto voce): Captain! Let ME handle this!

CLING-ON OFFICER: OH-HO! YES! YES! Now I see! I see by your outfits that you are all cowboys! I'm a cowboy, too!

KIRK: Yippee-Ki-Yo! Ki-Yo!

SPOCK: Well, I guess we'll be running along, but before we go Sheriff, can you tell us why all the doors to the courthouse are locked?

CLING-ON OFFICER: Because it's FRIDAY! Remember? Nobody works at the courthouse on Friday! I thought you boys knowed that, seein' as how you're from around these here parts an' all!

KIRK: Uh... well, uh... y'see we quit takin' the paper, so... we... we didn't KNOW that.

CLING-ON OFFICER: Yeah, I hear that a lot. Listen fellers, I gotta git back to the jail. Whenever I'm gone more that fifteen or twenty minutes, those darn city po-lice officers sneak over into MY side of the building and commence to cover all of my toilet bowls with plastic wrap. You boys be careful, I gotta run!

McCOY: Whew! That was close! What now gentlemen?

KIRK: I don't know who's responsible for the snafu that caused us to miss our secret rendezvous with the high-ranking officials from Countycomplexus. However it's obvious that I need to get our Security Forces out of that county jail building where they have spent almost fifteen years in stir. I need a cunning new plan. I need some trickery. I need a STIR TRICK!

SPOCK: I must caution you, Captain. Remember our Prime Directive. We are not allowed to interfere in the local culture.

KIRK: Poppycock, Mister Spock! Don't you think it's a little too late for that? Look at you! You're wearing BIB OVERALLS! Now get over here you two. Big group hug! Transporters on! Beam us aboard, Lieutenant Sulu.

(A transporter whines, a beam appears, the trio disappears then materializes on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise-Shelbyville)

Thus ends the first episode of STIR TRICK - THE SEARCH for a CHURCH.

Do you want the adventure to continue?

Would you like to read another episode?

Let me know

Reader Comments

Posted: Thursday, November 13, 2008
Article comment by: Ed "Butch" Burton

With only 100 or so starship cruisers it seems to be insecurity rather than security. Remember when there were only 3 cruisers & "Popsicle Pete",Dee ? Carry on!

Posted: Thursday, November 13, 2008
Article comment by: Kitty

Dee, You really are super talented. I'd love to read more episodes. You may want to create some cliff notes, though, so the mayor can follow along.

Posted: Monday, November 10, 2008
Article comment by: Cowboy Bob

Dee, What I want to know is what happens when the Tribbles show up - otherwise known as the purring members of the Shelbyville Common Council?

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